It’s a year on since we lost Teddy.
And it’s the day Sarah turns 40 weeks pregnant. Due date. We’re expecting a baby boy.
It’s also the end of Baby Loss Awareness week and we spent last night remember all the babies lost too soon at a service near us.
I feel as though we’re sitting in the waiting room. Waiting for our names to be called.
“You can become parents now. Next.”
It’s too lazy to describe this last year as weird. There’s too much to say. Everything from how arbitrary due dates seem to be all the way to going to a 15 week scan and getting post-mortem results at the same time.
Too much to say, it feels like a book or a film.
Grieving Teddy, whilst also creating space within for all the feelings surrounding a new pregnancy. Sometimes it’s felt like it needs to be a choice, one or the other. As if there isn’t enough emotional bandwith for both experiences at once, we’ve had to stretch. Stretch a lot.
“Another baby” that became the key phrase for me to feel like I was respecting both journey’s. Not a replacement. Not the one we always wanted. Another baby.
“Is this your first?” That question always stings, even if sometimes we just say “yeah” to avoid a long conversation in the queue at the post office - the answer is always “no, we lost our first” muttered inside.
We’ve had to protect and close off at times, there’s only so much emotional energy you can expend, especially in the queue at the post office.
Grief and new life all in a year. All in one body. All through Sarah, with me as a constant witness.
All year I’ve felt like I’ve been holding something back. Holding something in.
Every piece of work. Every newsletter. Every LinkedIn post. Every meeting.
I’ve been there. I’ve been true. Yet I’ve been withholding a huge part of my life. A huge part of me. A massive weight being carried around all of the time.
Under the surface all I’ve really wanted to talk about is babies. Losing babies. Making babies. Having babies. How we got pregnant again quickly, unexpectedly. As if it might be a miracle. I’ve felt it in my writing, my writing has been OK, but I’ve been holding myself back - lacking love, lacking real feeling because I’ve had to hold that down. I’ve not dared to share. For once in my life I couldn’t handle more public vulnerability. I’ve craved more privacy. Cherishing this new journey just for me, just for us. Keeping him close and hoping, praying, dreaming.
I’ve been living this year holding my breath. No full exhales.
Now, I’m ready. So ready to breathe out.
So ready to meet the baby boy who’s there. Just there inside that bump. I can feel him.
I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life. The experience of losing a baby makes this all even clearer. Super sharp. I can see it all. Because when we lost Teddy I became a Dad, but not quite. I fully saw what I wanted my life to look like and who I wanted to become, I had it in my hands for a moment. Then it was gone. Like a feather.
And now. Today. All we can do is wait. “Baby will come, when baby is ready”
Waiting to rewrite our story. Hoping to have a positive birth experience. Hoping for what we truly want to arrive.
Still there’s doubt. Plenty of doubt. Doubt that something bad could happen again. That we’ll be another statistic. We live with that now. That scar from past experience that will always mark us. In impossible situations , it always make us think; “yeah but what if?”
Marked by our grief we walked into Stoke Minster last night for a service on Baby Loss Awareness week. Lighting a candle in the wave of light, on our due date.
Bizarre and twisted and weird. Beautiful. Kind. Life has never felt so rich and full and murky. Life has never felt so real.
I imagine this fear or doubt will never go away. Our scars might fade but they always remain. Instead we practice facing that fear every day. Consciously, with awareness stepping into the great unknown.
And whilst the tears roll as we watch the candles flicker, somehow I do believe that this whole experience has made my life far richer.
I truly hope my next newsletter is about our baby boy.
Cheers,
James x
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Love and hugs to all three of you.