10 years ago I spun my mental health story into a business.
That story became my ego.
I’m not letting that happen again.
It’s late 2015. I’m living in an abandoned 3 story townhouse in West Hampstead.
I’m working for Doug as an “investor” and I’ve had 4 flat whites at Ozone coffee in Old Street.
I had 5 or 6 frenzied meetings with startup founders that day. It was dark and rainy outside.
Going down the escalator to the underground of the Northern Line, I had a panic attack.
For weeks and months these episodes kept happening. In the end I wrote about them. Talked about them. Started a whole a business about them. About mental health.
I made links and analysed my experience. Sharing themes that resonated with others. This felt amazing. Healing. Cathartic. I told this story a thousand times.
‘I was wearing a mask. I wasn’t opening up. I never grieved my last company. I was lost. In an existential crisis.’
10 years on. And the other day I had two strong coffees.
I nearly had a panic attack.
I had to calm myself down and make sure my feet hit the floor.
Could it be, that on that day going down to the underground ten years ago, I’d actually just had too much coffee?
Could it be that I spun a story out of something to give me purpose, energy, direction?
Could I have turned that story into a blog post encouraging startup founders to ditch caffeine?
Was it about my mental health after all? Or did I just drink too much coffee that day? What would have happened if I only had one?
That story became my identity. I developed that moment into a narrative, into a persona.
I see it more clearly now. It was a story. Not me. The story was true. It was real. That’s why it resonated so strongly. I was being honest, vulnerable and authentic.
But from that moment, in the years that followed. I became attached. I became the story.
This time, I’m not doing that again. I’m not my feelings. I’m not what happens in my life. I’m me, not my life experiences. I can tell stories, share the feelings, recount the experience. But I am not them. I am me.
This feels important. And I see it in many others too. How stories, thoughts or emotions become so fixed in their mind that they become that story. They think themselves into a person, rather than being a person. They base their identity on who they think they are, rather than who they actually are in the world.
This to me. Is ego. Mind-constructed thoughts that wrap around you to become a persona. Ego isn’t ambition, or money, or status. Whilst ego often wants those things. They get unfairly labelled. Ego, to me, is “who you think you are” it’s you defining you by an image and catalogue of thoughts in your mind. This way, you stay fixed, you become rigid. Because your persona is so fixed in your mind based on the stories you’ve been telling yourself and others over the years, there’s little room for growth. There’s no expansion. There’s you and your ego moving through the world wrapped in a bubble of you.
My mental health story created an ego for me. I used it for good. But actually I created a fragile ego that was based on story. Ironically my ego was centred around my identity as someone “open about mental health” - still though, it was an ego - another mask for me to wear. In the end this ego actually limited my world and my possibilities, because I was armoured against what was possible. My world actually became closed, not open. To have no ego is to be free, open and limitless. To have an ego is the opposite.
This happens all the time. We see it in many people, especially founders and creative people. Especially when the world wants their ego, when they get asked to do keynotes or go on panels. Their ego becomes reinforced, more fixed, stronger and stronger.
I’m not doing this again. No stories. No personas. No fixed identities.
I’m staying fluid and I hope, more real, more me.
I wonder where I’d be if I’d just had a peppermint tea that day?
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I’m working 1:1 with Founders and Founding Teams as a thought partner, founder coach and brand builder. Coaching, facilitating, mentoring, advising - high level on the business and going deep on storytelling and brand. I’m currently working with 9 founders/teams and have space for 1 more before I hold fire. Book a chat here.
