#300: Changing lanes
For a while now I’ve felt as though I’ve been in the wrong lane.
For a while now, I’ve been saying “I’m at 30% of my potential”
For a while now, I’ve felt this tug on my heart, these whisperings in my soul.
Something unsaid. Something unfinished. Some part of me dormant, in the shadows - desperate to come out.
I haven’t ignored this voice. I’ve just not known what to say back.
This longing in me has remained, this urge unexplained. I’ve felt it, day after day - in the back of my mind. In my cluttered thoughts. In my head at night as I close my eyes.
In my dreams, I wonder, where could I go? What could I do?
And yet, when I wake. When I walk the streets for a morning walk, or make a morning coffee. Whilst I’m full of the warm glow of contentment and comfort, I feel something missing. I know in my heart there is some emptiness in me and in my life.
Aliveness, spark, fear, fire, risk. I’m at 30%. I’ve been here for a while.
I’m in the wrong lane and I can’t quite get out. There’s too much traffic coming through and I can’t pull aside. My indicator has been on for a while. I’m driving too close to that car in front, I’m impatient to get out of this lane. But I don’t know how.
These lanes manifest for me day to day in my work. My work in Stoke and Staffordshire on regional development through the creation of the MSc Entrepreneurship course and starting a local media outlet is no longer the right lane for me and hasn’t been for a while. It’s the slow lane, in fact if I don’t get off it soon I’ll end up on the M56 to Warrington. As much as I wish it could be different and I could find the community, energy and progression I want that feeds my soul. It is not in this lane. When I stay in this lane, I do not feel alive.
My work with founders as a coach, advisor and mentor is rewarding. I find satisfaction in helping others and being a confidante, guide and counsel. This comes easily and naturally to me. I see a world here; a career, a business of James. Find your niche, hone it, scale it. Build a 7 figure coaching practice. I could stay in this lane and here I am for now. I’m on the motorway.
It’s the middle lane though. You know, the one you’re not actually meant to be in for that long. You’re either overtaking, or getting out of the way to be overtaken. And you’re not supposed to hog it. Either get in the slow lane, or get in the fast lane. Pick one.
It’s comfortable in the middle lane. You have to be watchful of course. There’s still traffic. Freelance work is feast and famine. It comes, it goes. As much as I enjoy this work and the flexibility that comes with it. My soul feels as conflicted as ever here. Constantly flirting with the dreams of others. Being a bit-part player in someone else’s drama. I drop in and out of everyone else’s theatre. Never in my own. I love the founders I work with and want to keep working with them all, but I know in my heart that being in this lane forever will not fulfil me.
So here I am again, ready for another lane. Another transition, another change in direction. Perhaps I need to stop the car and get on a motorbike? Or drive to the airport and get on a plane? I know in my heart there’s something else out there for me. A new mission, a new purpose, a new way of being. I sense it burgeoning in me. Wanting to come out.
For a long time, I have wanted me to go more deeply into the world of men, masculinity and men’s mental health. In my mind this is probably the most “me” thing of all. Yet I’ve never procrastinated more on anything in all my life. I know rationally that this lane, makes the most sense for me. Something leads me to this space all the time. A voice whispers in my chest to write Jack The Lad. Write a book for men. But then all I hear is quiet and emptiness. I don’t know where else to go. I’m fearful of accelerating into another lane, only to be let down again - only to have to change lanes again.
I get the feeling that there is more in this space for me than I have allowed myself to explore or to share and for the first time in a long time I do feel some fear. Which I know, is a good thing. Perhaps there are feelings to explore around fatherhood and edges for me to find as a man that scare me. Perhaps I need to go toe-to-toe with Andrew Tate and the manosphere bro’s.
Perhaps for now this is all I need to know. Or to feel. Some fear. Some trepidation. To know that changing lanes is a good thing, is the right move to be making. Not to worry too much about exactly what lane I’ll be going into. Or whether it’ll be a new road entirely. It might be enough just to follow some curiosity of the soul, to listen to that inner voice. To notice some of that fear I’ve written about before and step ever so slightly more into it. Stop trying to predict exactly what’s in the next lane or where it goes.
The truest thing I have shared today is that part of my fear about moving into a new lane is to be let down again. To fail again. This requires another blog post, because there’s a story I have that says everything I touch fails, everything I touch sparks like a match but never a bonfire. Maybe this is true. Maybe I’m a fire-starter and nothing more. Maybe accepting this about myself will allow me to flourish more. Maybe I just haven’t found the right fuel.
I’m changing lanes, again. This time I’m not kidding myself that it’s the only lane I’ll ever be in. The more I learn of myself and my nature. I’m starting to believe that I’ll be changing lanes all my life.
Cheers,
James x
"I have wanted me to go more deeply into the world of men, masculinity and men’s mental health. In my mind this is probably the most “me” thing of all. Yet I’ve never procrastinated more on anything in all my life."
It seems that it's not that you don’t know your lane. But perhaps that you don’t fully trust the one that keeps calling you?
Proximity to truth can be uncomfortable. And truth, when it asks something real of us, doesn’t feel easy. It destabilises the past identities that have been working.
I know this because I feel like I'm in a similar space to you - teetering on the edge of truth but not yet choosing to commit.
Because the commitment requires letting go of everything else that's known and stepping into the unknown. There is no guarantee of success, but only our deep knowing that the path of our soul will keep calling us home.
I hear what you’re saying James. I’m also a magpie, but now 40 I’m realising the power in focus. Completing 1 thing well is far more rewarding than doing 5 things to mediocre standard. “Busy fool” is a more controversial way of saying the same thing I guess!
i now live my professional life to a simple rule developed at Google. OKR. Objective. Key Result. Know this before you start any big project, and ensure you’ve delivered on it before starting the next. Like anything in life, this can flex and of course you sometimes get overlap but it’s good to have a contract with yourself upfront. Why am I doing this? At what point do I say “this hasn’t worked”.
The work you’re doing with the knot is amazing and you should continue to drive harder at that project IMO. It’s made a difference to my perspective of the local area and I think with user base growth, it becomes a powerful business.