#298: Betrayal
You can't grow without betrayal
One theme I consistently see in people who are on a change journey is betrayal. You change and betray yourself by doing things that you said you’d never do.
You become someone you never thought you’d be.
When you change, you betray who you once were. You go from one version of you to another. If the change is dramatic, then the sense of betrayal is dramatic.
This will show up in your relationships, the decisions you can or can’t make and the way you live your life.
I experienced this in my early twenties when I decided to go out less and drink less alcohol. I very quickly began betraying the person I once was, and the personality that I was. I betrayed my mates who were my drinking buddies. All of a sudden I wasn’t doing that with them, I betrayed them. I betrayed myself. 2 years prior if I’d have known that I’d have taken off these clothes, I’d have been outraged. This is who I am!
I betrayed myself and others when I sold Sanctus. 5 years earlier I’d say things like “I’ll NEVER sell out” and I fully meant it. Years later, I battled with the new desire burgeoning in me to sell the company and move onto a new mission. I resisted this change in me for many years and caused myself a lot of pain and heartache.
If you are growing then there will naturally be things that you did that you can no longer do. Maybe you used to see that mate all the time, but now, you’re busy working on something you care about and they’re in the same job they hate. You’re into hiking and yoga now, you don’t like Rugby that much any more. This change is a betrayal to them and if you keep pretending you haven’t changed, you’re betraying this new version of you too.
You’re now becoming the kind of person who does things that you believed you never would. You took a first class flight and it felt good. You bought an expensive house. You’re not from money, you’re betraying who you are and where you are from. You’re a different person now, you’ve forgotten your roots.
I see the pain this causes. I see the conflict in you when you are changing, betraying a former version of you. There’s conflict. One foot in the past, one foot in the future and you are trapped, twisted in betrayal - holding onto loyalty that is no longer serving you, and truly you have already let go of. You’ve already changed.
Then, by not fully stepping into who you are becoming, you’re actually betraying yourself because you are still pretending to be who you once were. You’re trapped.
This pain can be alleviated by simply acknowledging the fact that you are changing and being witnessed in that change. This is what often happens in coaching sessions. I might simply acknowledge to someone - “you’ve changed.” Not in the judgemental tone that might exist in your head. It’s not loaded. It’s simple. It’s true. You have changed. You are different now to then. This witnessing and acknowledgement allows people to walk over a threshold. They take a breath and sigh; “I’ve changed” Now you are more able to deal with the consequences of this change.
Maybe you stop feeling so bad about not gong out with that mate as much. Maybe you say to them,”I’m just not into that stuff any more mate” and let yourselves both be a bit sad about that. Maybe you communicate better with your team, or your customers and explain why circumstances have changed. Maybe you sit in your childhood bedroom at your parents house just for 5 minutes and think about how far you’ve come. You take ownership of the change and alleviate the sense of betrayal. By shining a light on it, it fades.
In a broader sense, in a company or in a team - by highlighting the change and owning any sense of betrayal then you allow this sigh of relief to be a collective exhale. From here you can move on, or the people feeling betrayed, maybe team members or customers might decide to leave and move on - opening up space for more.
You might think betrayal is a “bit deep”, I don’t think so. I don’t believe you can change at all without a sense of betrayal, I just don’t think we like to admit it. If you are growing a lot, you’ll cross multiple thresholds like this and there may be many layers of betrayal that you need to work through and shake off over time.
You cannot evolve without betraying the past. Own your betrayal and your path to growth will be smoother with less resistance. Avoid it and you’ll constantly feel conflicted and will be plagued with decisions that you get stuck in and struggle to make. If you fall into consistent patterns of inability to move forward or make decisions, it’s probably because you haven’t taken ownership of the fact that you have changed and committed to the forward facing version of you. You are still negotiating your sense of betrayal and you are actually betraying yourself more each day by not saying yes to the change that is out there waiting for you.
Don’t let betrayal hold you back. Own it. Cross your threshold and choose who you are becoming, don’t just be loyal to who you once were.
James
Connect ☎️
I work 1:1 with Founders as a mentor, advisor, coach and brand builder. High level on the business and deep on storytelling and brand. Find out more.
🔔 I’ve one weekly slot available to work with a founder on purpose, story, brand building and content marketing🔔
