#268:Dark night of the soul

I'm in one.

I’ve been depressed.

I’ve been anxious.

I’ve been stressed.

I’ve felt grief.

What I’m feeling now is different.

I’m in a dark night of the soul.

Until I started reading the book; Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore. I couldn’t describe what I was feeling.

“Grief” was the closest word I had. “Lost” - kind of. “Depression” - not really.

“A dark night of the soul” though - this is perfect. This is where I am.

“Today we label many of these experiences “depression,” but not all dark nights are depressive, and the word is too clinical for something that makes you question the very meaning of life.” - Thomas Moore

I could say I feel weird. I feel like I’m looking at life differently. It’s as if I’m a passenger. I’m there, I’m the same me. I look at myself in the mirror and I look like me. I look quite well actually.

But I know, in my heart. I’m different. Something has changed, or something is changing inside me. There is darkness around me, and darkness inside.

There’s a potion in my stomach that’s beginning to bubble. Like when you put a Berocca in a glass of water and it starts to fizz at the bottom, eventually all the liquid turns orange. I’m the liquid and the Berocca is the dark night. Get it? Hmmm, this experience is hard to describe.

“Every human life is made up of the light and the dark, the happy and the sad, the vital and the deadening. Are you going to open your heart to a mystery that is as natural as the sun and the moon, day and night, and summer and winter?” - Thomas Moore

Those close to me can feel it. It’s unnerving. It’s quite… unusual. I’m just not quite… myself. Not all in a bad way, the spark of ‘me’ is still there. I’m not totally flat. I’m not moping around, wallowing like woe is all me. I’m alive. It’s just… quite dark.

Something is happening to me on a level that is beyond what I can comprehend with the psychology of mental health and wellbeing I’ve spent much time learning. It’s beyond childhood, beyond “inner work”. Beyond positive thinking, ice baths and supplements. This is beyond talking therapy. This is alchemy. This is mystery. Poetry. Myth. Magic.

“The dark night of the soul provides a rest from the hyperactivity of the good times and the strenuous attempts to understand yourself and to get it all right. During the dark night there is no choice but to surrender control, give in to unknowing, and stop and listen to whatever signals of wisdom might come along”

There’s something stirring inside me that’s beyond feeling. Stress, anxiety, sadness, joy - I feel them all - but they’re symptoms on the surface. What’s churning in the pits of me is happening to my soul. The dark places you can’t touch.

There’s something happening to me on a spiritual level. It’s happening in my underworld - in the universe of my being. A once in a lifetime event, perhaps. A comet is landing. A new planet emerging. A Big Bang?

This isn’t a puzzle I can solve, as much as I’d like to.

I know this is something different, because I don’t want to shake it off and get through it. I’ve had wounds before that needed to be healed for me to move forward. I did the therapy and they healed. I moved on. As effectively as I could.

This dark passage has me intrigued. I know I must follow it. I know I have to. I know if I turn towards this. It’s going to take me somewhere totally unexpected.

“The real dark night cannot be dismissed so easily. It leaves a lasting effect and, in fact, alters you for good. It is nothing to brag about.”

This isn’t a “rough patch”. This is total wipe out. Total darkness. I’m still getting up to have breakfast and go to the gym. I’m still an attentive partner and friend. But I’m living in the dark, my arms are outstretched clambering around trying to find the light switch. I’ve got nothing to hold onto.

The slither of moonlight that’s illuminating my night is telling me just one thing. Stay in this dark place. Whilst all my conditioning tells me to leave and get the hell out. The reason this feels different is because unlike other tough times, I don’t want to get through this quickly. I want to step into this. I know there’s something deep and transformational here. I’m being offered something. Life has picked its moment.

Everything I’ve “learned” before feels irrelevant. My knowledge in the world upstairs doesn’t feel relevant in the underworld. It’s like trying to cook dinner with a pen. My tools from “up there” don’t work down here. Answering questions. Fixing. Rationalising. Planning. Healing. It doesn’t work down here - this dark night is calling for something else.

I need some new weapons and some grit to get me through this.

I will go through this dark night. I will keep my eyes open and listen closely. Slow down. Watch for any movements. Tune in. Be deeply perceptive. Let the darkness wash over me. Feel safe here.

Feel alive, even in the dark.

I must fully face this dark night.

I might have been running from this darkness all my life.

Now it’s time.

To not be afraid of the dark.

James

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p.s thanks Dave (Dad), Louise (Mum) and Glen for becoming paid subscribers and supporting my writing. I hope you enjoyed the latest post for paid members.

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