What can I get you?
Long Black for me. The cup is warm in my hands. The lighting is low, the windows are big, the sound of mutual conversation puts walls around us. We’re across the table from one another. The stool is uncomfortable but who cares. I’m leaning in.
How am I doing? Yeah not bad thanks.
Xander just turned 1. He’s ill at the moment, nursery. So are we. Him turning one is a huge moment and one I’ve not put words to yet. This first year with him and this new “us” - it feels harder to write about now, because our bond is stronger - I’m actually more scared to write about him, about how much I love him. It feels more vulnerable and real every time I go there.
I love coffee so much.
I’m enjoying my work with founders. Especially now I’m being more selective about who I work with. They’re deep thinkers, they’re writers (or want to be) and they care about what they are building. They want to build, grow and not burn out. Being a producer to their art is fun. I’m surrendering to the fact that I’m actually really good at this. I’ll do some form of this work always.
I’ve just noticed the music in the background.
I signed my publishing contract! JACK will be out Summer next year. The book is now with the typesetter. It’s being formatted into its final format. Think fonts and spacing and paragraphs. I am loving bringing this story to life and now I’m thinking about it in its physical form I’m even more excited. I’m bringing a product to life! My vision is that when you pick it up you feel as if it is a journal you have found - as if you have something in your hands that you “shouldn’t have”. I want you to feel a weight, a gravity.
I need a croissant so bad.
I’m also building a jewellery brand, or a brand around grief and love. I’m not sure what the one-liner is yet and I should be pushing it way harder. I should be hustling. I should be emailing funeral directors and asking to partner. I should be building out an online ads funnel. I should be “smashing” the content. But I’m not.
I need a wee.
JACK and Aster feel different to me. Or, I feel different creating them. I don’t have the same go in me. I don’t have the same desire to present and push. I want to create something beautiful that matters - i don’t want to constantly have to sell it and shove it in someone’s face. I don’t want to always have to “act”. I don’t have the same desire for it to be all about me. I’m happy to be in it, but this time, I want it to be about the art. About the product. About the mission. I imagine myself on a podcast talking about my book, not about me. I imagine myself creating content about grief and loss and love, not about me.
Two secs, nipping to the loo. I always have other reflections I want to bring to the conversation in the toilet.
I’d like to be making a bit more money if I’m honest. It’s scary to admit that. Yet when I say that and write it down it makes me laugh because don’t we all? Aren’t I just saying what so many of us hide with our shame? I’d like a couple more interesting founders to work with or clients to do some consultancy with on a long term basis. I’d like that. Actually saying this and writing it aloud makes me feel a bit lighter. This desire to make more money has been like a secret swirling around in my head for the last few weeks.
Two empty coffee cups.
I’ve been more in my head than I have for a while the last few weeks. The dark nights perhaps. The unexpressed desire for more money. The worry about stepping deeper into unknown creative territory.
I found the turning of the month, Halloween and Samhain really powerful. I felt connected to some greater turning in me and in the world. I spent a bit of time thinking about my ancestors and those that have died for me to live. That felt really grounding and I had this realisation that I am an accumulation of all of their stories - I’m a potion with this long line of distinct ingredients filtered down from them. I felt like I understood myself and my family story more in that moment. I also felt a greater sense of duty, in a good way, thinking about what has gone before me made me feel more inspired to carve out a path for those that will now come after me.
What are you reading at the moment?
I’m reading East of Eden. Holy hell. What a book. I am so there. I’m in that world every time I open it. It’s one of those books that I can’t wait to pick up and read but I am going to be so gutted when it ends. The writing and the level of seeing into the world and into humanity may be some of the best writing I’ve ever encountered. There are so many lessons and passages I want to highlight and write down to never forget. If you are curious about the dark forces that have shaped the last three generations of men, read it.
I’ll get this. You get this next one?
How are you?
Seriously, how are you? It’d be good to hear from people that read me and reconnect. It’ll help me write more stuff that you care about.
Don’t just be an open rate on my substack, I’d genuinely like to hear from you. Sometimes it feels like writing into the void, or worse, putting a coin in a slot machine. I’d like to know how my writing lands or resonates with you and connect.
Beep. Catch you later.
Cheers,
James x
I’m open to new opportunities. Reach out and let’s connect.
Thank you for sharing. It's been a tough couple of weeks for me, but there has been some light in there too.
The change of seasons also brings up new feelings & thoughts for me - the short sunlight days seems to leave hours for overthinking in the darkness! I am loving reading and seeing your ideas/business's develop!