#302: 16 unread whatsapps
On my phone right now I have 16 unread whatsapp messages.
Last night that number was 32.
The oldest message is from a month ago. I like this person.
Some of these messages are from family. Some from friends. Some from people I used to work with. Some live in the UK, some outside of it. Many are in groups I’m part of.
I could be responding to these messages right now. I could be talking to these people right now, but I can’t get there. I don’t have the energy.
I’d love to speak to any of these 16 people in person. If they knocked on my door right now I’d let them in and put the kettle on, or go for a walk.
Yet I can’t bring myself to pick up my phone, click on that green little icon, crane my neck and type away. I can’t bring myself to read their message, to let it land, to feel with them or think about what to say and give them the response they deserve.
That sounds crazy doesn’t it? Given one of the messages is from an Aunty asking for a trail running vest I said I’d lend her. The other a message from a close mate asking how my family are. But the thought of responding, the thought of going into that ream of unread messages makes my chest go tight. I just don’t have the energy for it. I can’t be bothered.
The thought of responding feels heavy. As soon as I open the app and look at the messages I “should” respond to I feel flat. The love I might feel for many of the people in this list evaporates into a task that needs to get done.
I hear people talk about whatsapp now like it’s email, saying things like “I just need to get through some whatsapps” or “ugh I’ve got so many people I need to reply to”
Aren’t we talking about our friends here?
I hate that friendships and relationships are being reduced to tasks to be completed on a frenzied whatsapp feed. I hate that whatsapp itself is now a place of clutter and confusion. Work, personal, family and community all blend into one.
And I hate that I’m here finding writing about this problem far easier than picking up my phone and replying to people I would call friends.
The honest truth is I just don’t want to. I barely want to be on my phone any more and I don’t think many people do. I think this instant messaging culture is vacuous. It’s reducing relationships and friendships to a chain of text, a series of voicenotes or messages marked as unread. I would never treat anyone I know in person like I do on whatsapp.
If someone spoke to me in person I wouldn’t stare them blankly in the face, ignore them for a month and then apologise for not responding because I’m busy.
It’s because the medium is ultimately a lie. I’m not available. Right now I’m barely available at all. So when someone messages me on whatsapp the communication from the very start is false. I’m not available - this conversation should not even be happening probably.
Instead, a bank of guilt and social pressure is built up upon me. Pressure that I don’t really want right now, but pressure that I’m implicitly available to.
People tell me it’s fine. Nobody expects an immediate response these days. Everyone leaves stuff unread. It’s fine. Everyone gets it.
That to me is even crazier, what are we all doing then? If it’s ok to not respond to each other for weeks, are we even mates?
I know that the deeper question that sits underneath unread messages on whatsapp is about friendships and relationships. Where does a relationship start and where does it end? Do friendships end at all now?
If a relationship now exists purely on whatsapp, what is that relationship now? Is an online friendship a friendship at all?
I know that everyone, absolutely everyone have people on whatsapp that they reply to in an instant. Me included. Yet everyone I know leave some messages for weeks. This isn’t about whatsapp, it’s about modern friendship when we have technology that enables us to keep in touch 24/7 for a lifetime.
I’m not sure all friendships and all relationships are meant to last a lifetime, but we now have technlogy that allows us to be “open and connected” forever. Technology, social media and instant messaging platforms should facilitate friendship, relationships and communities - not replace them, not be the only entry point to them.
I have no answers. No solutions. No hacks. I just have 16 unread whatsapp messages that I’ll feel bad about until I find the time and energy to reply. After I respond I’ll have 23 more unreads and the cycle will continue.
All I know, and I’m very certain about this. This is not sustainable. This is not friendship and I don’t think this is healthy for relationships. We really need to reflect on what friendships and relationships look like now in a world where we can be constantly connected. I don’t think this will be easy, it’ll feel personal and painful to everyone in different ways.
Something has to change for me. I don’t like this way of connecting with people. I have 16 unread whatsapps, but I don’t see 16 friends in person in a month. This is upside down. This is not right.
Our use of technology or social media is a mirror into what you are experiencing in your life. For me I’m asking myself who my mates are right now? As I become a dad. I’m asking myself who’s in my life and who’s in my family’s life? Who will know my son?
I’m asking myself too. What are my boundaries? Do I want my whatsapp available for work so that the founders who pay me to support them are sitting alongside the family whatsapp group? I’m not sure.
And who do I have energy for? And who has energy for me? Whatsapp is a painful mirror to this, I’m probably avoiding that. On top of the truth that with a 6 month old bay I barely get 30 minutes to myself every day and I don’t want to spend that time neck craned patting away on whatsapp.
I know this is becoming universal and I’m certain this isn’t a sustainable way to create meaningful relationships and friendships over a lifetime. I have no answers just some questions for us all;
If, like me, you have many unread whatsapp messages on a constant basis. Is this working for you?
Is this how you want to relate to your friends?
What does the state of your unread messages on whatsapp tell you about your friendships and who your friends are?
As I said, all personal questions, possibly uncomfortable truths. Yet I think we all need to ask them. I know I can’t go on with my 16 unread whatsapps.
Cheers,
James x
p.s if you are one of my unread whatsapp messages, I will get back to you - I’m just not sure when.
👏🏻