#260: My Fear of Money
Going deeper into the feelings money brings up.
Every day, I wake up thinking about money.
Every morning I wake up, startled and my mind begins turning.
How can I make money? Where is the money? How can I make more? What if I don’t make enough money?
Right now I’m not making a lot of money. I’m starting again. I’m at basecamp. I don’t have a PAYE salary or a long term freelance contract. I haven’t raised an investment round to pay my wage whilst building something new. I’m at the start of a new chapter.
Money is certainty, money is control, money is relief. Money is survival. Money is not being dead.
Money means I’m worth something.
Money means I’m valued.
Money means I matter.
If I’m not making a lot of money, or don’t have the security of a stable income. Does that mean I don’t matter, that I’m worthless?
A primitive and very scared part of me believes so, yes.
I never used to worry about money, growing up our family didn’t have money worries. From 16 I always had a job. Back then money meant independence and freedom. Money gave me something to do, something that was mine, all mine.
From part time jobs to building businesses, I always found a way to make money and to control my own money. Money made me feel safe. That’s why in startups, I chased investment. Investment removed financial insecurity. Investment in a startup gives fuel, but it also gives a comfort blanket.
When I graduated to running businesses that were based on cash flow, I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. The fear of running out of money began to grip at my throat.
Somewhere deep within I began to notice this feeling that having no money was death itself - the grim reaper closing in.
My fear around money has continued to grow with me, even as I have consistently earned more money every year over a 10 year period. To the point where I have become financially literate, manage and invest my money wisely. My money demon still breathes down my neck.
Even though I have a comfortable cushion of cash reserves and own a house, in a stable family unit - the fear of not having any money stalks my mind like a thief in the night.
Money is loaded. Loaded with stories. It’s never just about money. Money is packed with the emotions of a world that spins on a dollar sign.
My fear of making no money is packed with other stories like a bomb full of nails:
My wife earning more than me, making me feel “less of a man”
An innate fear of destitution
The belief that money validates me
The belief that payment means I’m worth something
The idea of competition, keeping up with others, feeling like I’m falling behind.
The fear of missing out, not being able to afford to do the things others can do.
Other people being “better than me” because they earn more than me.
Each of these bullet points is a therapy session in itself and shows how evocative “money” is. It’s not money at all. It’s fear, scarcity, self-worth, confidence and much more.
As I pull on these threads and follow the grim money reaper through the inner caverns of my mind, I stalk him like he stalks me. I find other dark rooms in my soul where my relationship with money goes untouched.
In these rooms, the fear of money goes beyond not having it, it turns towards having lots of it too. Warped and twisted questions of privilege, guilt, shame and who I might become “with lots of money” begin to percolate.
I feel as though I’m five sentences off writing how when you "feel the abundance within yourself, you will welcome financial abundance into your life” and you can sign up to my retreat in Bali down below.
Yet, something in this new age wealth mantra rings true, just like how those of manifestations and new moons whisper to me too.
If I’m so afraid of not having money, I know that’s likely to be how i’m showing up in the world. I’ll get out what I put in. I’ll be open to what I can hold within myself. Sales 101 is that nobody buys off a desperate salesman. If I can’t even stomach a few months not earning whilst I start something new, how will I ever create a purposeful and financially viable next chapter for myself? I won’t.
I have to be honest with you though, I have to write my way through this, because the grim money reaper is with me daily, like death himself. No matter how hard I meditate, or walk, or run, or write - he’s always with me. A shadow.
Rushing for a quick fix would quell my anxiety, a bit of work doing something i’m not massively passionate about but pays me well. Like a stiff drink, even though I’m trying to quit.
“But James, you can’t quit money! Everyone needs it” Now, you the reader are an imaginary voice in my head. “We can’t all just forgo money, it doesn’t work like that!”
I’m well aware money is a vital means of exchange for us to function on planet earth. I’m not trying to go clean off money. I’m not at AA for money. There’s something in this craving though, this fear - that I would like to kick. It’d be nice to become drinking buddies with my money grim reaper, rather than have him waking me up in the night.
I write this too, because I know I’m not alone. It feels like the world is all about money, all the time. As if money is oxygen - everywhere, our life dependent on it - all of the time. I’ve heard countless people claim they can’t do something because of money, claim they are hooked into a certain “quality of life” and I know that behind those statements lies the same fear that lives in my life too.
Perhaps I’ll invite my fear of money out for a beer (I’ll let him know it’s on me). We can have a chat and see where we get too. I’ll ask him how he got into this line of work, where it all began. Perhaps he’ll have some good investment tips.
As for me, I’ll not let this fear of money rule my life. I’ll continue to notice when my mind races around money. I’ll take a breath and choose to listen to where the love in my heart takes me instead.
Cheers,
James x
More writing:
My Fear of Money (DEEPER EDITION).
There’s a journal entry I wrote a while ago where I asked my shadow; “what do you want to say?”
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