#169: 10 days of solitude
I’m currently about half way through a 10 day self-isolation.
Inevitably, we got COVID in our household and, as of 5 days ago, Sarah and I have to isolate for 10 days.
The week before, I was convinced I had COVID, or what I know now was actually Phantom COVID, otherwise known as anxiety.
I was stressed and uncertain as to whether I’d be able to go home and see family and thought I had COVID.
Then a positive lateral flow test later last week and turns out COVID is actually here.
The 10 day period of self-isolation begun.
Initially I was genuinely devastated. Plans cancelled, a heatwave, no food in, more time in this 1 bed flat. It was the last thing on earth I wanted.
It was as if the world had ended, 10 days more at home.
It’s easy to blame or to resist what’s happening and I found myself doing that.
It’s easy to blame the anti-vaxxers or the government or someone else.
It’s easy to fight the truth, to resist our currently reality.
10 days isolating in a flat with a nice balcony isn’t the end of the world and rather than fight it I've accepted it and have tried to lean into what is possible with 10 days of solitude.
With challenging situations we can either resist them and fight against them or we can accept them and aim to find the lesson and meaning within them.
I could spend 10 days scrolling on my phone trolling Boris Johnson, or avoiding my present reality. Or I could listen and tune into what else might be possible.
A friend of mine asked me what might life be calling you to do? What a beautiful question. Rather than fight the present, be curious and wonder what part of you is being summoned into the world, or what does nature know about you that you don’t?
I found that over the weekend I slept in until 10am two days in a row, something I’ve not done for an eternity. I accepted that life was calling me to stop (again) and I listened. I was duly rewarded with two blissful nights sleep.
I’ve finished one book and started another. I’ve been writing and I’ve done lots of Yoga on my balcony in the Sun.
I’ve spent time just sitting looking at the River or the Moon.
If I had a choice, I wouldn’t be doing those things, but life hasn’t given me a choice. Life has presented something else to me and I can either accept it or fight it. I find accepting it is much easier and creates opportunities for new experiences or new ways of looking at things.
I’ve spent a lot of my life believing that I am in complete control of my life. That I set the direction and the tone and that life revolves around me. It’s an individualistic notion and a selfish notion that I don’t believe is uncommon. This is my life and I will live it on my terms, how I want.
Now, I don’t quite agree. We can control our response to what life presents, but we don’t have complete control of our lives and how they pan out. Life seems to me to be more about compromise and creating a relationship with what goes on around us. At least that’s what I’m learning.
In a podcast I listen to (referenced below) the host read a quote from a book about Fate, it's has really got me thinking.
It’s an age old question I suppose, but the way this is phrased works for me as a writer.
Am I writing my life? Or am I reading it?
Really, that inquiry has got me. Right now I feel like I’m reading my life and I’m just writing my responses.
"I was beginning to see that what other people call fate, is simply the unfolding of events as though living were merely an act of reading to find out what happens next"
This is all very existential and searching, but that’s what this period is for, to me, a time to ponder, reflect and sit with big questions.
It’s easy to say all this when your challenging situation is simply to stay inside a nice flat and I’m aware of privilege in all of this, again something else I’ve been reflecting on.
Acceptance though is a powerful healer and helps me to let go of my anger, resentment or bitterness and move on in my life.
COVID hasn’t been a situation anyone would have chosen, yet depending how we respond to it I believe there are lots of lessons to be learned and meaning to be found.
This is the reading of my current life situation and my response to it, I quite like that way of looking at things.
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What I'm up to
I'm reading Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
The podcast I referenced is "Books & Authors" - BBC Radio 4 and the episode was A Good Read: Lloyd Cole and Francis Macdonald. (A Good Read is my favourite Podcast show ever, it's 3 guests bringing a different book on and talking about it, heaven.)
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