#163: Turning 30
On Sunday I turned 30.
I woke up in the morning and I wrote this.
This time 10 years ago I was in my first year at uni and I was waking up with a horrific hangover after an eventful night out with the lads. I was enjoying spending most of my time getting absolutely wasted with my mates. That was what life was all about. Having fun centered around going on nights out. DQ Monday in this instance.
I was bored at uni doing OTC (Officer Training Corps - like the students Territorial Army) and enjoying that. On reflection I wasn’t very confident actually, I just had this quite brash confidence that was quite fragile. I didn’t like myself that much. I was very intense with all my mates, I had a lot of mates and was very very much one of the pack. I lived for getting everyone together and having a good time. Loved it.
I’d just shaved my head and was getting in quite good shape too from OTC and going to the gym with Rhino. I was about to go to Germany for a few weeks then Wales with OTC, then Ibiza with the lads and then back to OTC for something else then back to Uni.
I was becoming really good mates with George at this point and something special was developing there. We started having ideas and bouncing off each other. And watching a lot of Alan Partridge after nights out.
To think what’s happened since then is actually quite crazy. The path that might have looked the most likely at that point was grad scheme, grad job or move back to Stoke and get a job. That’s what all my mates did and I expected to do something similar. Or maybe do some travelling and just make the most of being young.
Everyone else I knew did that and had a great time. Instead me and GB went on this wild ride into this whole new world. Startups, entrepreneurship - business, investment. It was like Alice in wonderland and we fell down the rabbit hole. A world where people could make millions of pounds from a business, where people might talk of changing the world, where people would be passionate and excited about their job.
A world too where there was lots of smoke and mirrors. Lots of dodgy dealers. Lots of arrogance and bravado. A lot of noise. A lot of confusion.
I just ran into it at first. Really no different than the young boy going on nights out, just applying myself in a very different way. I was excited about the newness, about the difference, because I knew nobody else doing anything like this. Nor had I ever met an “entrepreneur” or a “businessman”
I never cared about money. In the last 10 years I’ve hardly cared about money. Just enough to eat and live. I cared about finding myself. Finding what I want to work on. Finding some sense of purpose, direction and belonging.
I do feel like in the last 10 years I’ve been searching. Some people use their 20s to get married and buy a house. Get set up for life sort of thing. I used mine to learn about myself, try things out and see what sticks. I’ve worked at KFC, gone to uni, worked in a small business, tried out some investment stuff, started two businesses in tech and mental health and travelled around a bit. I’ve tried out a lot.
I remember 5 years ago when I wanted to leave London. I didn’t like what I was working on and couldn’t afford to be here. So it felt right to move. 2 weeks later Doug and mills gave me £20k to start Sanctus. That’s the kind of twists and turns I’ve been part of for 10 years.
I don’t regret the paths I’ve travelled on for the last 10. I’ve got experiences and memories that will last me a lifetime. I’ve definitely matured and had to grow far quicker than I might otherwise have had to. I feel 35, not 40 because of the kids part. But I feel older still than 30. Mostly I’m proud and pleased about the self development and deeper self work I have done. That’s been extremely profound. Letting go of the childhood stuff. Moving past the shame of my more laddish years. Understanding more how the conditions of school and the culture in Stoke impacted my desire to express myself. Learning all of that has been incredible.
The results of all of that have taken me to places I’d have never expected. Sarah being the most important. Without all of that I wouldn’t be with someone as wonderful as Sarah. Because I wouldn’t have been able to connect with her. And then just how I look, what I eat, wear, read, think. I am very happy with who I am and how I behave. I am very glad to have grown into what I have become.
Materially things are a little different. I do feel like I don’t own enough. Which is crazy because if you’d have pitched this life to me 10 years ago I’d have thought you were having me on. There’s still something where I don’t feel like I’ve been rewarded for my work with Sanctus for the last 5 years. Yet that’s quite a specific feeling for this moment. Zooming out really I probably just want more money in the bank.
That’s the truth, the only gripe I have at 30 is that I’d love a few more 000s in the bank. I laugh a little at that, seeing that everything else I have is priceless. I wouldn’t trade any of what I have that you can’t see, that you can’t quantify it’s absolutely priceless.
I think that’s a good place to end. Who knows what the next 10 years will hold. Where I’ll go. Where I’ll be. What I’ll spend my time on. Who I’ll spend my time with.
Who knows because believe me I couldn’t have known where I’d have spent the last 10. The paths I’ve travelled have been roads and turns that I didn’t know existed. The people I’ve met have been people I’d have never imagined meeting. I can’t believe I even have a newsletter, how funny.
Here’s to more of that. I like the unknown of the paths less travelled. I find them exciting. Scary at times, yes.
I wouldn’t change where I am and how I don’t really know where I’m going, for the world.
Cheers,
James x
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