#155: 5 Years on
Five years ago today, I wrote; “Mental health in startups”
It was the first time I’d shared “my story” publicly,
It was the first time I realised I had a story.
I’d been struggling with my mental health for about 9 months; panic attacks, debilitating anxiety and I didn’t know what to do.
I’d been writing down how I was feeling in a journal.
I’d been connecting with a few friends and other people in the startup world who’d felt the same.
Yet, this post, this was me, this was me coming out, holding up my hand, shouting loudly.
I remember clicking publish, sharing the post on my twitter and then closing my laptop lid and running off.
I was in Manchester when I shared it and I was alongside George.
On the train back to London, my phone started blowing up. My post was getting shared, retweeted, my inbox was filling up.
I was completely exhilarated, I wrote in my journal that night:
“I’ve never felt anything like this. I think this might be the best day of my life. I’ve had more impact with this one blog post than I did in 3.5 years of my business”
I’d been really truly me and I’d been accepted for that. It felt incredible.
I was still hurting at the time of writing and the blog post didn’t heal me, yet it was part of my healing process as I was able to be struggling and feel how I was feeling, openly.
Part of the suffering before was that I was feeling anxious and not great about myself, yet I was doing so in silence, in hiding and I was feeling shameful about the way I was feeling. Resisting it.
Writing in this way allowed me to open up, accept, not feel alone and then begin to heal.
That was 5 years ago and I look back with a smile. I look back at myself now writing that post and realise how fragile I was, how raw and how instinctive I was too.
I wasn’t thinking, I was just searching for something that would make me feel better than how I did, and I found an outlet. I’m so glad I did.
Everything changed for me after writing this post. 2 months later I fell in love, twice. Getting in a relationship with Sarah and beginning the Sanctus movement.
I’m sitting here trying to reflect on what I’ve learned about my mental health in five years. Five years of writing, journaling, meditating, yoga, therapy, coaching, groups, a mental health business and more.
I look back now and see that I did think that writing that post would save me.
I believed by coming out, opening up “once and for all” I wouldn’t have to do it again.
I didn’t want to suffer again, I didn’t want another panic attack.
5 years on and I wish I was writing saying that now things are perfect, I’m fully healed, I am a perfect man.
I’m not, yet I am comfortable with that, which feels all the more important.
5 years on and I feel like everything has changed, yet nothing has changed.
There is a lot of difference in the content in my life, my life situation, my interests and the things I do.
There’s been lots of material change in my life. My relationships, hobbies, passions, business, lifestyle.
There has been an external change as a result of my new found love of mental health and the inner work I have done.
The inner change though is more difficult to articulate or show to you, there is nothing to show, just a feeling that is mine.
A feeling of being more at peace.
Of being quieter in my thoughts.
Of being more present, in the moment.
Of being more accepting.
Of feeling more.
More love.
More sadness though too.
Of being more confident, with me, a quiet confidence though, not the bravado of before.
Of feeling more rounded, filed out, like I know all the different characters of me.
Of feeling stronger, more rooted and grounded, more resilient.
I’m more aware that this is just another day, another moment, that I feel like this now, right now, here.
I didn’t write a post like this last year, 4 years on, if I did I can’t remember it, last year I was struggling again.
5 years on and I’m aware that finding the answer doesn’t matter. Searching for “it” doesn’t matter. Looking for perfect doesn’t work. Figuring it out, is impossible. There is no it, there is no perfect, there is no answer.
This is it.
If for the next 5 years and beyond I can be unattached to the outcomes, I can stop thinking about the future or ruminating on the past and focus my energy on the present, that will be enough for me.
If whilst I’m at it I can continue to find just enough, to be content with just enough, then that will be good enough for me too.
5 years on and it’s another day, another moment to savour.
Thank you for being on this journey with me, some of you for 5 years.
There’s plenty more time to go, I’m hoping the mental health movement is close to complete in my lifetime. Whatever happens, we need more people to take it on.
Cheers,
James x
What I'm up to:
I'm reading Treasure Island by R.L Stevenson
I'm listening to "`Essential Mediations" by Eckhart Tolle
I'm launching the world's first online mental health gym
I'm still wondering if anyone else will buy my art or if that was just a flash in the pan? Ed did get a copy of "Run" though! Yes Ed :)
I'm not really doing anything else.
I'm wondering if anyone wants to go dancing?