#145

I don’t think I’ve written a good blog post or newsletter about Sanctus for 2 years. 

I don't think this is a good one either, but I think I might be getting closer...

My ability to articulate my journey building a business has actually gotten much worse as the business has grown. 

If I go back to my early blog post about the formation of the business, it’s pretty clear what we stand for, what the business is about, the mission we’re on and the tone is consistent. 

Posts like this and this, Where I talk about profitability, sales and other things. 

Yet there hit a point, I’m not sure when, when I just couldn’t write clearly, I felt blocked, I couldn’t get my words out. 

The only way I could share and write about Sanctus was when I would say; “I just can’t right now"

Or a favourite of mine has been to say I’ll write about it when… 

When we’re less busy, when this happens, when we hit this milestone. 

So there have been the occasional update, the occasional entry, there have been sporadic posts on LinkedIn that have landed. 

Yet the consistency in my ability to blog about Sanctus, to tell our story as it happens, to document our growth, has stalled and Ive felt unable to. 

Practically, moving into the CEO role I felt unable to do this simply because of time, feeling more busy, more meetings, more pressure, more drained, so the thought of writing just didn’t appeal and ultimately didn’t happen. 

Plus, being so “in it” It’s been very hard to reflect, to share stories, because it’s hard to even see them. So there are a few practical reasons why I’ve found it impossible to blog as a Founder/CEO

Yet there are a few emotional reasons too which I’d like to share. 

I’ve certainly felt less able to write and share honestly as I took on the responsibility of leading a team, the exposure became higher and writing was/is an outlet for me, so I found myself censoring myself when writing worried about what the team would think I talked about my worries around leadership, or worries about cashflow and all of the other things a Founder turned CEO worries about. 

I hear this experience from many startup founders (and many people too), but I’ve had the constant feeling of not being good enough or not really doing a good job. I’ve made so many mistakes, so many and it’s been really hard in this role. It’s been really hard growing and leading the business in general so to be constantly feeling not good enough or like I’m not doing a good job and then write an articulate piece on our journey so far, has felt near impossible. 

Even now, there are things i’m holding that I feel like I can’t say, of course there are, there always are. Yet it spoils the experience of writing for me, to feel like I’m hiding something. 

There’s definitely a truth in that it’s easier to write and share your brand transparently when things are going well, than when things are perhaps going badly.

Yet to write and share a founding story, I also believe there’s got to be some distance, some space to write and I’ve not found that yet. 

The flip side is that then this reticence to share leaves a silence and silence is always assumed badly, when the truth is I’ve just had no energy to write consistently. 

Writing every week for the last few weeks is slowly bringing this energy back, but even now I sense that my writing hasn’t popped yet, because I’m not really saying much, or at least not much that’s new and compelling. 

I think there’s a reason most Founders and CEOs are a bit of a black box to people, mysterious and inapproachable. I’ve wanted to stand for something, to be different, to focus on my mental health and share my journey transparently and I’ve failed to do that. 

I don’t know what the answer is really or even where I’m heading, I’m rambling a little and I imagine this will cost me a few more subscribers again today. 

What I do know, and what is worth sharing is that I’m calling for something different for myself. Where I feel more able to write about the business we are creating, with honesty and where I can find myself consistently being able to do that. 

And I’m calling for a world where more of our leaders feel more able to be open and honest, with more compassion all around. 

I have no idea how to move towards that, but it feels like something worth fighting for. 

Sanctus stuff:

• We asked people how their mental health has been in 2020? (Video)

• Weekly mental health at work advocate newsletter

• Journal with the Sanctus Community - daily prompts, online Journal and supportive Community.