#144
I’m sitting at my dining room table.
Laptop piled on top of some boxes.
Today, I’m thankful I don’t have any calls so that I don’t have to use “Meeting Room 1” (The Kitchen).
This is my life and it’s probably similar to yours.
Professionally, I’ve lost some of my confidence and the thought of going on camera or doing a zoom event (2 things I’m putting off) feels daunting and scary.
If I was in an office, with 1) Privacy and 2) Ability to connect in person, I believe I’d feel different.
If I was hosting a real life event I’d feel more than comfortable, whereas hosting a virtual event I feel uneasy about, less able to hold a room for example.
I feel like I’ve lost my edge. I’m typically quite charismatic, passionate, vocal yet I’m reduced to a tiny box on a screen with poor lighting and a grainy image of me (at best)
When I get going, I love to flail my arms, shout, get excited, I love to buzz around the office, I feel like a skill of mine is just giving energy, just by being there, smiling.
I feel grateful and I feel content, yet i’ve lost my edge and I feel less comfortable being visible, present. I feel like I’ve lost my voice, my mojo a bit. I’m still figuring out how I get myself across in this mainly digital world.
That’s why i feel drawn back here, the written word provides an element of safety and I feel like I can express myself fully. Yet when I’m on Zoom, on a call, i feel less able to really BE me, really show myself. I’m a diluted down version of me.
For the most part, it’s not doing me much damage, I’m doing great and working virtually has presented many opportunities for me. I feel very relaxed, because I’m sleeping more, I have more time with Sarah and more time to look after myself.
Yet professionally, creatively, I’m not all there. I’m a little stuck - I’m just not fully 100% THERE.
Perhaps, this is the start of accepting that and finding new ways to connect and express myself, because already i feel a little lighter.
Yet I also don’t hear many people saying exactly this, so i thought I’d give voice to it.
I literally feel like I’m having to learn how to do my job, again, because the whole world has changed.
In fact, I kind of feel like I’m having to learn how to be me, be a human again.
When I put it like that, thats quite a big thing and a big request. The whole world is shifting and we’re learning to shift with it.
Grateful to have this space to share, that’s one thing that feels like a necessary constant in all of this, a way to be heard, by those you care about.
Glad I have that here.
Sanctus stuff:
We asked people how their mental health has been in 2020? (Video)
Weekly mental health at work advocate newsletter
Journal with the Sanctus Community - daily prompts, online Journal and supportive Community.