#143: In my head

I recently listened to a Podcast with Jonny Wilkinson where he speaks incredibly eloquently and articulately on presence, deep involvement, curiosity and living in the now. 

It resonated deeply and I’d recommend anyone listen to it if you have an interest in mental health. I don’t like Rugby and you don’t need to - it’s an incredible interview for any human.

No matter how much “work” I do on my mental health I often fall into the same mysterious and elusive trap that I’ve been in many times before. 

I call it the “I’ll be happy when” trap.

I’ll be happy when:

• X happens at work

• when I move

• when I do this

• when this thing outside of my control changes. 

• when I go on holiday

• when I just....

I place my happiness in the future ---->

The resulting state for me is distraction, obsession and compulsion where it’s easy for me to be lost in thought, to be “away with the fairies", to be numb, or mindlessly there, but not really there. 

I often have the experience where I look back over the last few weeks or month and think; “where has that gone?” or I struggle to sometimes remember what I was doing a week ago or a month ago, like time has just passed me by. 

This isn’t always my experience, yet it can be.
 
For the most part I do feel like I’m deeply engaged, I’m present and I’m connected. Yet there are still periods when I’m not. I’m lost in thought, stuck in my head and just going round in circles. 

This podcast ^ slapped me in the face and was like being plunged into ice cold water, it woke me up, again, when I thought I was awake. 

Therapy, coaching, meditation, journaling, a great place to live, great relationships, purpose in my work and still, I can find myself placing my happiness in the future. 

What resonated this time, in this teaching (on a lesson I’ve had before) was my choice. How I choose to over-think, I choose to ruminate and I choose to go round in circles in my head. 

• I realise that my compulsion to thought is a choice, one that I can master, where i can choose to let go, to move on, to write, to act. 
   

• I realise that my tendency to over-think and ruminate around certain subjects is a sign that there is something within me being deeply challenged; my story, my identity or my fixed sense of who am I. 
   

• I realise that by becoming more comfortable with the present, the now, the unknown that I open myself up to so much more possibility. 
   

• Rather than sit in my head planning for how this next meeting is going to go or thinking about something I’ll do in 6 months or next week. By accepting the unknown and simply being present, I open myself up to the potential of the current moment and let whatever I am planning for, be whatever it wants to be on that day, not my prediction of it.

I find the abstract nature of this both so easy to grasp yet so hard too, all at the same time. 

There’s been a pride for me, in catching myself. 

I was about to step back on the hamster wheel and chase the latest shiny carrot. 

Yet I caught myself placing my foot on the wheel. 

I’ve caught myself drifting, thinking that the next thing, the next hit will make me happy (and that it’ll be different next time <---)

It won’t be. This is it. This is now. 

I wrote this poem to sum up how I feel about the “I’ll be happy when trap"

I’d highly recommend the podcast and I hope this poem resonates too. 

As always, I'd love to connect. I feel drawn to this newsletter over my social media use as this feels like a more honest way to be in touch.

James x

“I’ll be happy when...”

when; what?
           what was lost is found?
or something more profound?

when; status or 
            goal or 
            outcome

      is achieved?

     Then, Thou shalt be freed. 

when; that next thing occurs. 
           just one more turn 
                  one more spin 
                   on the wheel of life 

an addict to the future
an addict to the past 

Meanwhile....
                       life moving so fast 

..... and then
                      ..... ‘it’ is here. 

Savoured for a moment 
                        a day
                        a week
             never a year 

                        a smile 
                        a relief 

‘It’ is done. 

& before we know it. 
                we’re onto the next one. 

‘It’ has begun. 

- marriage 
- a new job 
- another kid 
- just that one more thing

‘It’ never comes. 
‘It’ is already here. 

“I’ll be happy when...” 
                                     you see 

Is neither, here 
         nor, there 

it is then,
                if and,
                            when?

Instead,
Choose: NOW

Now. You can be sure of. 
Now. Is always here. 
Now. Is not determined. 
Now. Is yours. 
                        to cherish
                        +
                        to hold dear 

I. Will. Be. Happy. When. 

re-order them. 

When. Will. I. Be. Happy?

When. We see our choice. 

              that, what we are always searching for 
 
will always be one step away 
               forever more. 

Choose. 
            to stop. 
                         chasing,
                                        searching,
                                                          yearning
Choose. 
              what is here. 
                                   
Choose. 
              what is now. 

Choose. 
               happiness. 
                                 
Choose. 
               now.