#134: Keratoconus and plantar fasciitis

These are the two health conditions that I am currently carrying around with me every day.

Kerataconus is a fairly rare eye condition where my eyes are shaped like rugby balls, giving me a stigmatism that cannot be corrected by glasses.

Planta Fasciitis is a sprain in the muscle in the bottom of my foot, that typically takes a long time to heal.

Initially I avoided both of these in the faint hope that they would miraculously heal themselves, in both cases they did not.

Then I eventually sought treatment for both, to great relief realising it’s not just me and millions upon millions of people have these conditions or conditions like these, and many are much more worse off than I am.

Now, however I have the rigmarole and more difficult task of actually living with them day-to-day, and this is what I am even worse at.

Planta fasciitis should, in theory, heal within 6-9 months with physio, regular icing, resting, stretching and the right footwear. Yet it’s been 4 months with a consistent pain in the arch of my left foot and I’m angry, frustrated and tired of a constant dull ache that’s stopped me doing any form of decent exercise. (I can’t run or do anything too strenuous on my food or it’ll just get worse).

Kerataconus I’ll live with forever, unless some new treatment/cure is found. I can just hope my eyes don’t regress further. This one hurts because it impacts my everyday life and holds me back in many ways. The main one being driving. I have to drive with my contact lenses in, so that means I’m limited for how long I can drive for, because they are uncomfortable and on top of that I can’t drive in the dark. Driving in the dark, the glare from lights is too much and I’m unable to see which isn’t ideal for driving.

Woe is me.

I’m not very good at being ill or having anything wrong with me, the common cold feels like the end of the world and I usually make it worse by refusing to accept I am ill until I am bed bound and off work for 3-4 days.

And here I am with two health conditions, that albeit are not the end of my world by any stretch, yet they are impacting my life and are big “niggles"

In all honesty I don’t know why I’m sharing, it’s just all I know how and I feel a bit pathetic when I know how much worse life can be.

I’m expecting people to read this and snigger or think what an entitled so and so, he doesn’t know how bad I’ve got it.

No doubt, people reading and millions of others are suffering far more than I am, and I wouldn’t even claim to be suffering. yet that doesn’t take away how frustrated I am by this.

Which I suppose is why I am sharing, because with health, mental and physical, I think one of the reasons we often don’t share is because things aren’t “bad enough” or someone else has got it worse.

Which is always true, every single time. And by that logic nobody would open up or get support or treatment, ever.

I’m afraid of being selfish, afraid of writing this and saying you know what this is shit and it’s painful and it’s going to affect my life. Scared because I’m worried people will think I’m weak and scared also because “it’s not that bad compared to other people"

Annoyed too, because it’s not perfect and my life was supposed to be. Having a rare eye condition wasn’t part of the plan and having one leg 3cm shorter than the other certainly wasn’t either.

Truth is I want to reject both of these parts of me. My right eye and my left foot. Chop them off and replace them if I could. Yet I can’t and I am forced to live with them.

This all sounds a bit familiar, living with parts of myself I don’t like and this time it’s not to so easy to change.

I’m finding it very hard to lovingly accept these parts of myself, these parts that are broken in some way.

Yet that is what I know I need to do, to lovingly accept them. My bloody left foot is in pain every single day. My eyesight is not good and my contact lenses hurt my eyes. I cannot drive at night.

The only way is to accept.

Ironically the way I am having to live with kerataconus in particular completely aligns with my view on mental health. There’s a big love yourself movement. Love yourself, love all of you, be completely authentic, be enlightened, be more than what you are right now, because what you are right now is not enough.

This view is dangerous and it is impossible.

I cannot love my eyes and they cannot be cured.

Can I accept them though? Yeah I can.

That for me, is how we attain the only thing I could closely call “good" mental health; acceptance.

Can I accept the parts of myself I do not like? My wonky eyes and my wonky leg? Yes I can.

Do i love them, no not at all and I could contrive to do so and it would be just that, contrived.

Here’s to accepting the mess and loving the rest.

I’m accepting my wonky eyes and wonky leg, heres to the messy parts of you too.

James x