#133: On confidence and anxiety
Want to write but don’t know what about.
Currently standing on the northern line typing this with one hand.
All I can hear is the screeching of the carriage and other than that a crammed tube produces no other sound except the turning of pages in newspaper or book.
The man behind me may also be reading this.
I’ve been doing this exact journey for 2.5 years and I’ve been on my journey with Sanctus for 3.5.
Recently we have started to make some significant steps; establishing a leadership team, hiring more people - really starting to let go and seeing people who have been with us for a while grow.
The business feels like it is filling out and becoming more substantial, with more depth.
The vision that once simply felt like a dream or a mirage in the distance, is now beginning to take shape and feels like something I can see with more clarity, and I am not the only one who can see it.
Stranger still, my internal angst that has been almost perpetual for years is beginning to subside, being replaced with what has always been there - an unwavering confidence and belief.
Even a year ago I may have said that we’re going to “try” and transform mental health, get millions of people working on their mental health like their physical health. We’re going to “try” to create a more connected world where feeling like you belong, being able to be who you are is the status quo not the exception.
No, we’re not going to try, we’re going to do it, actually make it happen. In fact, we already are.
As my confidence and self-belief has grown, my anxiety has returned in a new form. As I stop constantly running on the hamster wheel of “never enough” I’m slowing down and strolling more gently, yet still fearful that I’m not going fast enough or I’ll miss out.
Or, that my confidence is false and I’m a fool, to be laughed at when I fail, again.
Yet this time, I hear those voices, those doubts and those worries and I accept them as valid but not truth. I accept them as real, but not all.
There are the voices within that say I can’t do it and there are the voices within that I say I can and I will. I’m choosing to listen to both and get to know them better.
I share this because I’m a compulsive thinker and I know a lot of people are, worriers, stressors etc. Many times I’ve let my thoughts consume me, thought that they are me, that they are all true and as I’ve explored more of myself, I know now that there is more to me than just my anxious thoughts. There are dreams, sensations, beliefs, intuitions and much much more.
I’m now not sure if I’m making much sense, I just know I’m tapped into something much deeper and more powerful, that I might call confidence yet it feels more powerful and humble than that.
Now at the office.
James x