#128: Being myself

Whilst I’ve broken my promise to write this newsletter weekly, I’ve actually been writing every day, sometimes twice a day. 

I’ve been working on ‘myself’ a lot recently, I’ve been lifting some big weights. 

I write in my journal in the morning, then at night. 

I go to therapy once a week, every Tuesday.

I have infrequent 1:1 coaching sessions at Sanctus, I had an incredibly powerful session a few weeks ago. 

I have relationship coaching with George once a month. 

I regularly host the Sanctus Podcast on themes like Body Image, Addiction and more. 

I work full time in the field of mental health. 

Finally, I’ve been sharing a lot of my journey online, especially on LinkedIn. 

All in all, I’m doing a lot of “The Work” right now and I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself and my mental health. 

Truthfully, the more I work on my mental health, I realise that I’m not really working on my mental health - I feel like I’m actually working on my identity. 

I feel like I’m delving directly into the essence of who I am. 

Actually, it’s my Health with a capital H that is impacted by doing so. 

My Health being the sum of my mental and physical state, combined, whole, as one. 

The more I work on myself, explore myself, go into the past and look to the future, I realise that everything I seem to be doing or talking about or working on is, in essence, about me at my very core. 

I don’t know what you call this bit of yourself - identity, spirit, soul, being - I’ve no idea. Yet, I’m certain that’s actually what I’m working on. 

I know that when I work on that part of myself, that inner James, inner me. Then everything else seems to fall into place. 

I’m beginning to notice that when I am content there, when I am at peace there - on the inside - with myself, with who I am. When I can hold that inner part of me and care for it, give it love, affection and kindness, then that’s when I am truly happy, even though happy isn’t the best word for it - just the closest we have available to us. 

When I am at peace with who I am on the inside, that’s when I can be myself on the outside. 

When I think back, reflect or analyse that’s when my Health in some form is impacted - when who I am on the inside doesn’t fit to my behaviours, actions or environment on the outside. 

When my identity is challenged in some way, then it hurts and my mental health is affected. 

Like something as simple as being in the wrong job or role at work, it’s so hard, because actually it’s an internal battle - on the inside I am at war with myself, because my inner world is not welcome on the outside, I am not me. 

Or when I go underground on the tube and the train stops, not moving, stuck underground and I am out of breath, scared. Theoretically I know, of course, I am very safe and it is highly unlikely for my life to be at risk. Yet my inner world is frightened, scared of being stuck, of being alone - there is something not reconciled within me. 

All of this introspection has lead me to realise that all I’ve ever wanted in life is to be myself, to be who I am, to find that level of truth within me and share it with the world and be accepted.

I’ve been blessed to have so much of that in my life already and it’s when I’ve not had that, when I have struggled. 

There have been many times when I’ve not felt able to be myself, where I’ve hid parts of myself or I’ve exaggerated others for acceptance. I’m not alone there, I’m sure. 

I now realise that for me, that’s the lifelong endeavour which I have been calling “mental health”, it’s a lifelong endeavour to be myself. 

Not to just to be myself alone 

To be myself in relation to others and be comfortable with the difference. 

To be myself at work, at home, with my friends, family, online, wherever it may be. 

In some ways it’s impossible which is almost why it’s so fun, because with each new group, each new environment, each new setting there are challenges to who I am that I must face - and that is why it is a lifelong endeavour. 

To being myself.