#124: The glass of water story
This is the story of when I felt for the first time what I would describe as “presence”, “awareness" or “connection."
I write this with reticence so please let me give you the context.
I felt that my experience with anxiety and panic attacks was like an awakening for me.
It was as if parts of myself had been dormant for a long time, or numb, and the anxiety was literally vibrating through my body - waking me up.
My feelings were so painful that I shut them away for a long time, but eventually I was forced to face them and step into them.
What entailed, I believe was like a waking up.
Like a returning to consciousness.
I’ll be surprised if I still have your attention now, especially you lads, because I’ve already written enough “hippy” or “spiritual” words to put many people off this particular newsletter, but stay with me I promise there is something in this for us all.
It’s like until then I’d been there, I’d been having a blast, been loving my life, but a big part of me just wasn’t there - it was shut off.
The best way I can describe it is that I’d been on auto-pilot - just cruising through the days unconsciously.
I was awake, I was thinking and I was taking my life seriously, but I can’t explain, it’s like I wasn’t fully conscious, I wasn’t fully there.
Yet after the anxiety hit and I started writing about my mental health, something shifted.
The world genuinely looked different, brighter, more colourful, as if I was seeing things for the first time - it was completely surreal.
I was still in agony, I was still hurting. It’s not like I was happy happy all the time, but something had moved in me - I was here, on this planet, writing this newsletter, walking down the street - I felt more alive.
This didn’t all happen in isolation, I’d been meditating and journalling on and off at this point, which played a big part.
Yet, there was one guy who really played a part in this, Shayan - the first Sanctus Coach and I suppose my first coach or teacher even.
I met Shayan at an event and he told me he was a Gestalt Therapist and Coach - I had absolutely no idea what that meant, but he seemed like a cool guy and not dry or full of shit like every other “practitioner” I’d met.
We met for a tea in The Ace Hotel in Shoreditch (in the back bit - How Polloi)
Me: “Mate what’s Gestalt? What do you actually do? I don’t get it"
(Something like that.)
Shayan: “It’s about being in the here and now"
Me: “The what and where?” *Frowning and confused*
(Exaggerated for effect)
Shayan: “Wanna do an experiment so i can show you?"
Me: “Go for it"
Shayan: “I’d like to raise your awareness to that glass of water"
Me: “Ok” *Laughs* “This is weird"
Shayan: “What do you notice about it?"
Me: “I can see the definition of the glass"
Me: “The water is moving inside it"
At this point, my mind is exploding.
THERE’S A FUCKING GLASS OF WATER ON THE TABLE!
i could hear the people in the background.
I was aware of the movement in the restaurant.
The lighting, the music, the atmosphere.
It felt like I’d honestly stepped into the matrix.
WHAT IS GOING ON! I AM HERE. HELLO WORLD!
Or, it felt like that bit in Inception where you realise you’re in a dream and then everybody looks at you.
I had never ever felt anything like that before, I felt fully immersed in the moment and it felt like the whole world had slowed down to meet me.
I was fully “in the room."
I’d tasted something that I couldn’t get enough of; connection, presence, awareness.
I wanted more and thankfully I’ve tasted it many more times since.
I share this story with a lot of trepidation, but it is what it is, this is the truth - this is my experience.
I share it, because I believe we all know what I’m writing about. Really, we do.
We know what those special moments feel like when we feel really connected to someone or something.
We have all tasted this and I truly believe we all want it more.
I feel it now, writing this to you. I am here, writing to you and you are reading this.
I see you and you see me.
I’ll see you next week x