#116: Putting myself first
In my last newsletter I talked about putting myself first again.
“Putting yourself first” is one of those statements that really says something important, but also feels distant, abstract and often difficult to grasp..
It’s like when someone says, "just be yourself", I know what it means but at the same time, I really don’t or perhaps don’t know how.
I had a lot of people reply to my last newsletter acknowledging that they’d felt similar to how I’d felt throughout the year, so whilst I can’t be prescriptive I can definitely share what putting myself first means in my life.
By writing this down, it’s also a commitment to myself too, to keep doing the things that feel good for me and that put me first.
The context to "putting myself first" is that I had a long period this year where I really felt like all I was, was work and I really wasn't putting myself first.
I felt like all of me was Sanctus and I was prioritising the business and the people in it above myself.
People would even say to me; “You are Sanctus”.
We’re a great brand, so it’s a great compliment, but on a darker note it was highlighting that literally all I was thinking about and doing was work. I was completely and utterly consumed.
I’d noticed I was scared and frightened of trying new things and even becoming slightly bitter and judgemental, which is not how I want to be.
I felt this feeling and I noticed it, I talked about it with George and Sarah, but it was still a couple of months before I did anything with it.
Looking back there were plenty of warning signs, poor sleep, stress, anxiety, rumination, over-working. Yet for some reason i wasn’t seeing them, I just kept blaming other things.
It wasn’t until I went to Portugal with George that I really noticed how unable I was to switch off. Literally all I had to talk about was work, I had nothing else, it was sad.
I heard it from George too and that was like a big mirror being held up to me. That was the interaction that inspired me to do something. I'd seen myself and I didn't like what I saw.
My first port of call has been therapy and I neatly found a therapist using the Sanctus Directory (https://sanctus.io/the-sanctus-directory-of-mental-health-services-professionals-eda7d4316a58) .
I went straight in for therapy, because from what I hear and see in others who have been through it, It sounds like the most transformational process on the market and I wanted the best.
The other very important thing about therapy to me is the commitment that I am making to myself. I am committing to spend money on myself and I am committing to spend time with myself. An hour every week with just me and my therapist is a lot of time to spend with yourself, more than I’d usually spend anyway.
The commitment to me, to James has been vital and by simply turning up I feel really proud that I’m doing something for me.
It’s been my anchor and it’s put me back in touch with all of me, the whole of me, whereas before I was only really surfacing the work-side of me.
There wasn’t as much space for anxiety, uncertainty, fear, anger or sadness. All of that side of me had nowhere to go, nowhere to turn up, nobody to talk to.
Even though I am in a work environment where those feelings are accepted, I still felt disconnected from them, because I was feeling out of touch with all the other different parts of me. They were there, but I wasn't letting them out.
I’ve never used this term in my writing about my mental health before, but I was depressed. Forget the label of depression for a second, but genuinely depressed as in "reduced of strength", I felt small, I felt dejected. I felt like me, but I didn’t feel like all of me.
Therapy has been a big part of putting myself first and discipline towards other practices in my life have played a big role too.
Discipline has meant structure around certain practices and rituals in my life. Most importantly, writing in a gratitude journal every day and night and meditating or practicing mindfulness daily.
With this mixture of therapy, journalling and meditation I’ve put some me back in my life and carved out time to spend with myself every day.
As a result, I’ve picked up some new things, which have happened naturally. I’m learning to box and i’ve started reading more fiction again, which I love.
I'm doing all of this because it’s good for me and I enjoy it. No other reason.
I’ve not linked it to performance or leadership. I’ve just linked it to my happiness and sense of inner peace.
There have been professional benefits, that I can talk about at some point, but they are besides the point.
The important thing for me is the reminder that my mental health starts with me and putting myself first.
When I do that, really, that’s when my life feels good.
Since I’ve gone back to putting myself first again, I feel more relaxed, accepting, excited and hopeful.
I feel more me.
James x
p.s Next time I write it’ll be 2019. I hope the holidays give you what you need. I know what I need is time to slow down and get some perspective. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year x
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