#250:Our relationship to place

Can you be yourself in the place you're in?

The places we live impact us. They send us messages.  

I’ve lived in many places and they’ve all had an impact on me. 

In each place, a different part of me feels more welcome to emerge. 

Different personality traits are given more or less permission. 

Each city or area says something, subtly or obviously. Each area I’ve lived in has sent me a message on who I can be in that place. 

Stoke said to me. Family is everything. Friendship really matters. Don’t stand out too much. Be careful. Don’t take risks. You’ll get hurt. Don’t be too colourful. 

Sheffield said to me. Learn. Try new things. It’s university, be who you want! Start all over again. 

Newcastle said to me. Go to the gym. Look good. Work hard. 

London said to me. Make money. Be who you want to be. Be different, be individual, be you. Work harder. Work is everything. Try new things, try everything. Your journey matters above else. 

Stone says to me. Relax. Take it easy. Breathe. You’ve got enough. Settle. Slow down. That’ll do now, don’t work too hard. Work isn’t everything. Family is really important. 

Places send a message. Paul Graham writes about it brilliantly here. 

What I hear in these places is just as much about what I’m listening to, as it is what the place is saying.

Yet places do have a dominant vibe and an energy that we pick up on and that allow us to express ourselves in a certain way. 

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We’re in relationship with places. We morph and we change and the different parts of us engage with the different parts of ourselves.  

Places represent parts of us. There was a “London” version of me. A “Newcastle” version of me. All past selves, all expressions of me. 

In the toon, I was doing arms in the gym on a Friday night, putting on the tightest shirt I could find and then going on a night out. 

In London, I was sitting in a coffee shop on my own, ordering a flat white, avocado and eggs on toast, opening my laptop to flick through my emails and feel important. 

If I were to move back to any of these places I would be reminded of that version of me, I might like it, I might not. 

For example, when I return to London now I feel inspired by the possibility all around me, yet it also triggers the part of me that is jealous and envious and always wants more. On one hand I look at all I could have, on the other, I look at all I don’t have.

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Returning to the area I grew up in has confronted me with parts of myself that I’d lost touch with. 

Mostly confidence. London gave me a lot of confidence, because I saw many other people that looked like me doing similar things. I felt part of the “we” of the startup scene and met many other 30 something founders on missions to change the world. I belonged there and the competitive edge within me thought “If they can, I can”. Whether my confidence was true or false, London gave me the will to create and start companies and made me believe it was possible, and I was right to be doing it. 

Returning to a more sparse and post-industrial region, I’ve noticed the feelings I felt when I was 18 working at KFC. I’ve felt less confident. I’ve felt unsure. I’ve questioned myself. I’ve felt more alone and much less like I fit in. The stories that I had in my head when I was young have re-emerged. “People don’t do stuff like this round here” “Be careful” “Who do you think you are?” “You’ll never make money” “There’s not enough money here” “Ha! Good luck with that!”

Whether these stories are true or not, it doesn’t matter, they’re stories in my head that have surfaced because of the place I’m in. 

I’ve put myself on a mission to change this place, yet I have to notice and acknowledge how this place changes me. 

There’s no big wall of graffiti outside Shoreditch house with the latest brand campaign on to inspire me. There’s no tech startup founder pitching a VC in a coffee shop. There’s no new fashion store pop up on Rivington Street. There are canals, birds tweeting, mostly old people drinking lattes from Costa on the mid-week high street and the roads are packed at 5pm when people leave work. 

The messages are different, the place is different. Am I? 

When I was younger I didn’t have the energy or the confidence to show up differently in the place I was from. I didn’t even know what any of that would mean. At 19 I simply (and rightly) thought, to be who I want to be, I need to leave this place and go elsewhere. Many of us do that, travelling, University, moving away for work.

Now, older, wiser(?) the question is, do I need to do the same? Or do I have the strength to be different, to be myself, to be myself…here. 

I remember listening to Eckhart Tolle in the Power of Now say… “show me someone enlightened and show me them after a weekend with their family.” 

It’s easier to “be yourself” in places where you’re free from your past or your close relationships. 

Can I “be myself” here?

Can you where you are?

We shall see. 

Cheers,

James x