#310: “Just be present”

Choosing Gratitude over Presence

In much of my exploration with mental health, every conclusion seems to take you to presence.

Go to therapy for long enough and it always seems that the punchline is; “just don’t think, be present!”

Or listen to any spiritual teacher from any tradition from catholicism through to buddhism and you will hear the same teachings about presence wrapped up in prayer, or meditation or god, or buddha, or englightment or heaven. It’s seemingly the same path with different signposts in different languages.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with presence. Mainly because I never am. It’s actually not that natural for me to be “in the moment” I’m typically elsewhere, typically thinking.

I usually need quite extreme conditions or powerful connections to bring me into the moment. Like a sauna, ice bath or long hike. Or, beautiful company and conversation that makes me want to be nowhere else.

I know that general mindfulness practices are good for me. I meditate semi-regularly and I can often feel my feet on the floor or notice how something impacts me in my body.

My problem with presence is that it’s not somewhere I always want to be. When I become present I become extremely aware of my surroundings and my inner landscape. This, I know, is what I’m supposed to be doing. Yet I find this emergence, at times, challenging and don’t feel like I can take it all in. Whilst I know raising my awareness is supposedly a good thing, I feel that it can sometimes send me to almost feel “too much” and I find this overwhelming.

Rather than feel grounded in presence, I often feel overwhelmed by all that I feel, see and observe.

If I meditate in the garden and become present to a leaf blowing in the wind (which I often do), the beauty of this movement floors me, I could cry, I can’t fathom the enormity of how that tree arrived here - the trillions of events that had to happen in a random order for this moment to arrive.

I know that this is then another problem or personal challenge for me to work through - the need to understand or work everything out. The need to analyse. Why not just “be with” the leaf blowing in the wind. Yet this is like asking me not to inhale. This is my mind, this in many ways, is my gift. So just being present, I find challenging.

Gratitude, on the other hand, I’ve realised gives me so much more.

I think for me, if there is “an answer” which I know there isn’t. But if there is a state that creates peace within me. I believe it is gratitude.

There’s something about encouraging a state of gratitude that is totally different to encouraging a state of presence. Gratitude is more tangible to me. I can think of family, friends and people. I can look around and be happy to be here in this moment. I can be grateful for something very recent, like the clothes I am wearing or the oxygen going in and out of me.

Gratitude connects me to the long line of people and things that even allowed me to be alive in this moment. With gratitude I feel more connected to myself and to the world, like I am part of something. In turn, I do end up feeling more present and grounded.

I chose gratitude over presence.

Gratitude is more of a lens than it is a state of programming like presence. Sometimes I find the call to be more present a bit robotic for me. Whereas the call to be grateful is actually a call to love.

That’s what gratitude is really about I suppose, love. It’s a direct choice to see love and to see things beyond yourself. That’s it. That’s another thing that annoys me about how “presence” is sold to us. It’s so self-centred. Just be present and all will be well. Tell that to people in Gaza or Sudan, or to people that have just tragically lost someone. When we lost Teddy I didn’t go to feel my feet on the floor and do a body scan - I went to curl up on the sofa with Sarah and be grateful that we had a log burner and access to all Harry Potter films on streaming platforms.

I’m grateful that I can write freely.

I’m grateful that I have an audience of people that follow me and choose to listen to me.

I’m grateful my fingers and mind are healthy enough to tap away on this keyboard.

I’m grateful I can share little pieces of me with the world and that, sometimes, they land and make an impact.

James x