#305: What Mont Blanc said

Fear, failure and becoming a Dad

I’m staring at Mont Blanc.

This mountain is my mirror, I’ve seen my reflection:

• I’m more afraid of myself than I am of failure

• I’m actually afraid of “being weird”

• I’m more powerful when I don’t think

• I’m a Dad, that’s my priority.

It’s different here. Life revolves around the mountain and the massif. In my previous post, when I wrote from Annecy; life revolves around the Lake. I felt calm and serene.

Here, I feel challenged, provoked, tired. Perhaps the more experienced parents were waiting for the reality of a roadtrip with an 8 month old baby to hit.

I love this place though. I love mountains. This view from our balcony of Mont Blanc is spectacular. The mountain dominates the sky line. It looms over you, intimidating. The mountain here dominates you. It’s magnetic.

A proper proper mountain like this pulses. As if it’s breathing. A deep slow long breath.

I find the enormity of the mountain scary and inspiring. There’s a real power in it. You can feel it, and see it. So many edges, peaks, depth, a glacier. This mountain can kill you if it wants to.

Last time I was here touring it, it opened me up and made me see that I didn’t believe in myself. Yet after 5 days and 110 miles, it showed me how strong I was.

The mountain does speak to me if I let it. If I stare at it long enough and listen.

I imagine it making a sound; a deep ominous gong. Like an “Ommmmmm”. I feel that very deep in the pit of my stomach. That’s what the mountain says to me.

And then if I listen. If I let it speak. Like it might in a Disney film if it were to open its big gargantuan mouth. It says to me “you’re more powerful than you think” I hear that as “you’re powerful, when you don’t think.”

I feel the power in the mountain because I feel that power in me too. The mountain scares me because I’m scared of my own power. I wrote last time that I’ve made the intention that when I return from this trip I’ll be myself every day.

I’m scared of that. That’s the truth. I’m scared of myself. Sounds crazy to say at 35. I feel like I shouldn’t be saying stuff like this now, I should have it all nailed down. I should have myself nailed down.

But it’s true. I’m scared of myself. Scared of my own power. Scared of who I am. Who I truly am. Or who I’m becoming. I’m more scared of what I may become than I am of failure. I actually think most people are more scared of who they might become than they are of staying the same. Change, the loss that comes with it and the unknown outcomes is the scariest bit.

We’re more afraid to meet ourselves than we are to stay stuck in the “gray promise of sameness”. I know I am.

For a New Beginning by John O’Donohue

I’m still not sure what I’m afraid of. Being weird is one I think. Being weird and having no mates because I’m so unconventional. Being seen as crazy or an oddball. Not being a straight line. Not fitting in a box. Being a circle not a square. Being misunderstood.

Sitting in front of the mountain each night makes me realise this truth inside me more.

Sitting in front of this mountain I can’t help but surrender. It’s so powerful you can’t beat it. You can’t hide your truth from this immensity. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of changing. I’m afraid of who or what I may become.

Coming to Chamonix with Xander has made me fully surrender to becoming a dad. I can’t hide from this truth either. I’ve not been anywhere near the mountain really. No trails. No summits. No cable cars. Flat walks in the valley that haven’t even come close to scratching my itch to climb. I’ve come to a place I adore and I’ve done nothing that I adore whilst here. My own desires to climb or do whatever I want have been seconded by nap time and weaning.

I’m a dad and Xander comes first. Always. That doesn’t mean I won’t have my own hobbies, passion etc - but my priorities have undeniably shifted. I can’t hide from that. I see it so clearly with Mont Blanc as my backdrop.

Now, the mountain is stormy and rainy. Full of thunder and lightning.

I see this mountain clearly. I see myself clearly too.

James x