#282:Windows down driving

At the beginning of this year I had an intention for how I wanted to feel.

It’s a trailer of me that I want to embody. It’s not so much what I want to achieve but how I want to feel.

I didn’t do goals this year, or new year’s resolutions. Winter was too dark for that.

But I could see something, I could see a flash of pictures, a highlight reel of where and who I wanted to be. How I wanted to be in that moment, living it.

I’ll describe it to you.

I’m driving an SUV, maybe a Defender, or Jeep, or Discovery and the windows are down. It’s warm and sunny outside. Sarah is in the passenger seat. She’s either pregnant, or there’s a baby in the back, there might even be a dog in there. Something is attached to the car. It’s either a tentbox, a surfboard, or simply the boot is rammed full of active goodness like hiking boots, blow up paddle boards and outdoor gear.

I’m smiling. In fact, I’m laughing. Not an evil “muhahaha” laugh. More, a deep buddha belly laugh that lights up my whole face. I’m laughing because I can’t believe how good our life is. I’m laughing because I can’t believe we never saw how simple it all is. I’m laughing at myself. I’m laughing with life. I’m laughing, just because.

I’m wearing a tank top with my arms out. I feel healthy and active. The wind whips at me whilst I’m driving and I can feel it on my arms. At some point on the drive, I take a work call whilst I’m in the car. I suddenly switch into a different more serious mode whilst engaging with the caller on the other end. It’s about some sort of business I’m involved in. I make a decision or help the other person make a decision.

We’re driving. We’re moving forward. It’s warm. It’s sunny. We’re happy. We’re active. We have everything we need.

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I’ve not fully felt this feeling yet. This dream hasn’t come true.

It’s getting closer though and I’ve felt glimmers of it.

Just before the birthday party we held at our house not long ago, I rushed out to pick up some ice. I was in my workout gear and it was a sunny day. In a rush I jumped in the car and drove with the windows down. I was smiling. “It’s my birthday and I’m having a party with all my mates today” I thought. I could feel the wind on my arms and shoulders.

In Wales after unplugging with Unplugged for the first time. I felt it again. I drove the car up onto a Welsh hillside to switch off for a few days. I smiled. I laughed. Is this it? Yes, I think it is.

This vision is guiding me during a year of facing the unknown. Truthfully, it’s all I have and it’s just enough to move me forward towards something.

Towards something.

I’m learning that sometimes in life this is all you can do. Hope. Believe. Dream. Even if these hopes, beliefs and dreams come in slithers. Even if they are so faint you can barely see them, like a photo developing in a dark room.

This vision of mine looks clear to me, like a trailer for a film I want to watch.

It’s been a dark 12 months, the hardest of my life so far by a long way.

This flicker of a future is giving me an anchor to return to, a feeling and place I know I want to be in. It feels out of reach, but close enough to know that I can get there.

You’ll have one too.

I don’t mean a goal. I don’t mean a number. I mean a place you want to be in. A feeling you want to have.

You’ll have your own trailer for your own film.

This is mine.

Have a think about yours and if you feel like it, I’d love to hear it…

Cheers,
James x

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