#249: Tour du Mont Blanc

110 miles, 11,000m and profound insight.

Two weeks ago I completed the Tour Du Mont Blanc trail with seven others. 

It was the most difficult challenge of my life and deeply impacted me emotionally, physically and spiritually. This is my experience of a moving adventure. 

The details: 

• ~110 miles*, circular from Les Houches anti clockwise.

• ~11000m* of elevation (~1.5x MtEverest)

• 3 countries

• 5 days

• 1 trail pack with food, clothes and necessities. 

• Average day; 20miles, 2000m elevation

• Longest day; 30 miles, 3000m elevation

*distances and elevation not exact due to additional walking to accommodation etc

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In the weeks and months leading up to the Tour, I was nervous. I knew I felt nervous, yet I didn’t truly let myself or others understand that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to complete the first day and I’d embarrass myself and “ruin the trip”.

In the build up, the challenge was already evoking feelings within me that I was finding hard to experience, let alone share with others. I was embarrassed that I’d injured myself in the lead up and I was experiencing the shame of my body being “broken” - many of the stories that I’d constantly told myself about my body and my physical capability were emerging within me. 

However, something inside of me was committed to the trip. I didn’t really understand this voice. It wasn’t even a voice. It was just a feeling that I had to try and take this on and I consciously wondered whether the lesson in all of this would be “just believing I could do stuff”. 

Day 1 was set to be the hardest and furthest I’d ever been on foot. 20 miles with 2,000 meters of elevation. I went into that day thinking of that day alone. A good approach. 

The way I felt on that first day shocked me. 

I might write openly with perceived vulnerability, yet I rarely let myself be seen to be vulnerable. I save that for Sarah and less than a handful of close others. I’m often very controlled and if I am “vulnerable” or honest about how I feel it’s controlled, calculated and I’ve already reflected on how and why I feel that way. You’re usually getting the refined version, not the raw me. 

Day 1 broke me. I couldn’t help but be vulnerable. The first significant climb to the Col du Bonhomme, in the heat of the day, hurt. 

Knowing what I found out on days to come, it didn’t break my body, not even close. It broke my spirit. 

I was suffering. I was in my head, piling the pressure on myself, being nasty to myself - telling myself I couldn’t do it. Looking for ways out, searching for ways to give up and avoid the pain I was in. 

I wasn’t in my body, I was in my head and it was excruciating. 

All I could see and hear was pain and it was an ugly mirror into how I can often talk to myself. 

I know that on some level I don’t always believe in myself. That I doubt myself and play myself down. I know that despite the image I can outwardly portray, I see myself as small. 

I know that, of course I do, those conversations in my head and those ways in which I see myself are with me most days. 

Yet in the heat, on the climb, with just me, my body and my thoughts - I had nowhere to hide from those feelings and they weighed on me like rocks. I was heavy and I was suffering. 

Less than half way up and half way through the first days climb, with 5 big days to go, I collapsed and cried. 

I couldn’t hold those feelings in. It’s not something I ever do. If time allowed (unfortunately it didn’t because we had an England final to get back to in Bourg Saint Maurice and a bus to catch in Les Chapieux) I’d have sat there for a couple of hours and probably just sobbed. 

I wasn’t upset because I was tired. Actually after 5 minutes catching my breath, being doused with water and fed cereal bars and sweets by the group - I was physically ok. 

I was upset because of what I’d seen of myself. I’d truly seen how much I didn’t believe in myself, how low my confidence had been - dark feelings I’d been carrying that I didn’t even know were in there were able to come to the surface. It hurt. 

That day, I made it and went further and higher than I’d gone in a day before. Then for the next two days after that I woke up and my first thought was “I don’t think I can do this”

On both of those days, I carried on. My suffering eased as I learned to listen to my thoughts yet not always bend my will to them. Instead to listen to my body, to actually listen to my body. To notice if pain in my left knee was debilitating or if it was just a sign - I learned - there’s a difference. 

Day 3 we crossed half way and physically achieved something many of us had never done before. Already with 40 miles in the legs, day 3 was 30 miles and 3000m+ of elevation, we were out from 8am until 11pm. Something shifted in me as I went from “I don’t think I can do this” to “I know I will” - it wasn’t arrogant or false, it was quieter than that - a subtle belief that willed me on. 

I don’t know what changed. Physically my body was in more pain than when I started, yet my belief system morphed and I began to believe in myself, my body and what I was capable of. 

I knew the Tour du Mont Blanc would be tough. I just didn’t expect it to go so deep, so quickly. Those feelings were tucked deep down inside - the heights of the journey inverted into the depths of me. 

If I’m honest I wasn’t quite prepared for that and the level of vulnerability I’d felt on the first day. That scared and shocked me - even now writing about it - I’m not sure what those feelings that erupted mean. I just know they are important and the physical exertion and commitment to the challenge allowed them out. 

Still two weeks on, I’m shocked by how much I didn’t (or don’t) believe in myself. For someone that so easily writes, creates, builds - often publicly - I’d persuaded myself that whilst I might feel fear and doubt I’m able to move through them. 

This challenge showed me how far I could go and showed me that I could go a lot further than I ever thought. Staring at Mont Blanc, the tallest mountain in Western Europe - moved something in me. 

The mountain felt alive, scary, conquering, powerful and equal parts of me were stirred up because, I too felt alive, scary and powerful. 

I didn’t know what I was capable of and I didn’t realise how much I was holding myself back, how much I was subconciously thinking “I could never do that”. 

It’s as if there was a weight of doubt and fear stuck inside, a weight that I couldn’t see - hidden in my past, memory or some part of me I don’t yet know how to find. I found that weight. 

This trip was no doubt one of the most meaningful experiences I’ve had for a while and it’s moved some mountains within me that I’ve no doubt have altered me in some way. 

Mountainous landscapes like Mont Blanc have a way of making me feel insignificant in a liberating way. I feel free, I don’t feel wrapped up in the world of mortgages and emails. I feel less than a pebble, no more than a piece of dust on ancient ground. 

This time though, I felt that and I felt significant. I’ve always felt strange about man’s desire to conquer mountains and landscapes, to run across them faster than anyone else. It felt selfish. Something about this though, felt right, the mountain made me suffer and I stood up to that test - in return I claimed a mountain within and felt more powerful and strong as a result. A fair exchange. 

I knew that moving my body and being outside could alter how we all feel. 

I knew that nature was a tonic, a remedy. 

I didn’t know its impact on me could be this powerful though. 

I went in not believing in myself and I came out stronger with more courage and belief. 

Coming back to the real world, sedentary, behind a laptop is strange and feels much less important. 

Some seriously big feelings have been stirred up in me, tectonic plates - clashing. 

Whatever happened to me on this trip has changed me in some way and will change my life. 

I just don’t know how yet. 

James x

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Email me for a conversation. I’m working with founders and founding teams as a guide. I’ve raised investment, sold a business, written a book, built something impactful, shut a company down, made great hires, made bad ones, hired CEOs, been a CEO and more. I support mission-driven founders who want to make a positive impact on the world. I make the journey lighter, give good directions and avoid wrong turns.