#239: Something on being really sad
Grief, loss and change in identity.
It’s amazing how I’ve found myself repeating the same patterns in my life.
It’s kind of reassuring but then also scary how you can just be doing the same thing you’ve done before, but thinking it’s so different. It’s especially eye-opening when you believe you are someone who is very reflective and aware, but then you're in the same cycle you've been in before.
Here’s the pattern I’ve repeated:
2012: Drop out of university to start a business. Tell everyone I’m gonna smash it and I’m doing great.
2015: Shut it down. Don’t grieve. Don’t tell anyone I’m broken, ashamed and confused. Struggle with my mental health.
Then jump into another job for a bit, put another uniform on (this time “investing”) and hide from how I really feel and hide from letting anyone in.
2016 - Turn that pain into a new venture. Filled with purpose and passion. “I’m happy again!” It’s the business of my dreams. A real mission with real impact. Genuinely changing the world. Genuinely part of a movement.
2021 - Burn out. Step out. Bow out. This time not a complete throw in of the towel, more like a waving of the white flag. I’ve done my time, I don’t want to do this any more. Long, painful, rewarding transition.
2022 - Just like before (but a lot more honest with myself this time) I’m lost, confused and I’m wondering; “Who am I again? What do I wanna do? Was that a success or a failure? Am I a success or a failure? What next?? What the hell next?”
Again, I’ve avoided really saying it. Gutted, heartbroken, grieving, at a loss. I loved Sanctus, I pined for that business, loved everything about is. The team, the customers, the coaches, I love the way the Orb looks so much. Sometimes I’d just sit staring at the logo. I was completely infatuated, head over heels. I thought I was done. I thought it was love for life. I thought we’d settle down and have kids. It wasn’t meant to be, I changed, the business changed and I moved on.
2023: Here I am again. In between, I’ve thrown myself into Stoke. Another uniform to wear. Another identity to bear. I’ve chucked myself into masculinity with JACK. Another story, another mission.
I’ve been trying to repeat the pattern, just jump into something else. Just wear another branded t-shirt, maybe I will at some point, but not yet. Something is stopping that this time. Or, I’ve just not found the right t-shirt to wear.
Whilst I see green shoots of what could be next. What I really haven’t said. What I’ve avoided saying for so long is I’ve been sad, really really sad. Bone achingly sad, empty, numb, lost, confused. Starting a company is never just a transaction for me, maybe that would help if it was but I can’t work like that. I put soul into my work - I work on stuff that truly matters to people and to the world and that’s hard and it’s powerful and it’s special. When that’s gone, it hurts. It’s a high high. It’s a low low. I miss Sanctus. I miss being at the leading edge of a new mission and a new space. I miss playing a part in real culture change. I miss forming something new. I miss it. I really miss it.
I want to be in love with a mission like that again. I want to feel obsessed and possessed, captivated by a brand and company. I want to go on a dangerous adventure. I want to put my stake in the ground on something and fight for it. I want that feeling back. It’s intense and it’s real.
November 29th 2023: So here I am. Again. I’ve been sad. I’ve been lost. I’ve been playing around with other stuff and done some amazing work but I’m not in love yet. I can see more on the horizon than before. I just know. I know how I want to feel.
I’m willing to wait around for that feeling again.
It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be really really sad. Even about things that aren’t “normal” to feel sad about, like a company you started and the feeling you had when creating it.
In my heart, I know, that my ability to grieve and open myself up fully to that sadness will allow me to let all the light in. From there, what’s new will grow. I trust that.
Onwards.
——————————————
Ok. That’s me done. I read something somewhere about a culture where there is a set grieving period when a loved one dies. The official mourning period is over. That’s kind of how I feel with this. I’ve said it, I’ve said it a little bit and I’ve just said it a lot, then I’ve said it some more. There will be more sadness in life that's certain, but when it comes to mourning what was and what could have been with Sanctus. No more. Line in the sand. I’m letting go.
James x
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