#236: Beyond ego
Ego:
“a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance”
“the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity”
“a conscious thinking subject”
“I” (Latin)
My personal definition of ego is “an individual's story of who they are” or even more plainly “who we think we are”
The word ego is often wrongly conflated with ambition. Someone who is ambitious is often deemed as having a big ego.
Ambition does not equal ego. Only in that people who are ambitious may have an inflated “sense of self-esteem or self-importance” (this is the misconception).
I hear phrases such as “you need a bit of an ego to do well” or “you need an ego to [start a business/run a marathon/insert endeavour]”
My experience of my own ego is that it has only ever held me back.
For me, my ego is the story I tell myself to keep myself safe. It’s a well thought-out narrative of who I am or who I think I should be that stops me from evolving.
My ego, operates from a fundamental place of scarcity, of fear, of a world where I don’t have enough. My ego feeds off a fear of rejection, death, destitution or abandonment.
My ego stops me letting go or letting people in. My ego wants to retain control, power and struggles to change or adapt, it wants me to remain shackled to the same identity. It craves certainty.
The end-result of my ego can be desire. For fame, for status, for money, they give me safety in a complex world. Money is control. Status is power. This is what my ego wants.
In some instances and for a period of my life, my ego (and what can be called an alter-ego depending on how far you deviate from yourself) was very different from the true essence of me. In this period I “wore a mask”, “had a big front” and my ego created a counter identity that was an armour in front of the true, raw me.
In other times, more recently. My ego and my true self have been closely paired, with lots of crossover, only a crossover at the margins - some areas of my life where I would behave or operate from my ego and not from what is more fundamentally aligned to me.
If there is no difference between who you think you are in your head and who you are in your soul/body, then by default, there is no ego. Alignment within, deconstructing entrenched stories, healing trauma, dissolving unconscious patterns and behaving in line with your values - these all evaporate ego.
I have felt my ego fade away. I don’t believe I am without ego or anyone ever can be - there’s a constant flux, relationship and dance. Yet I believe that as I’ve come home to myself and live more truthfully that my ego has crumbled. The gap between who I am and who I think I am has minimised.
My ego, when it does arise, is more of a thin veil than a heavy suit. Worn for a moment, an hour, a day hopefully no longer.
Now, I’m curious. What is a life beyond ego?
If my ego needed money and status to fuel itself, to validate itself. If my ego needed me to fill voids to feel whole. What happens when those voids are full? What can I do, who can I be, what can I create, beyond ego?
With ego, I need to fully control and own anything I create.
With ego a business is for me, my power and my wealth.
With ego, I take all the credit.
With ego, the spotlight is on me.
With ego, it's about I, not me, it's about me, not the whole.
Then, without ego?
What are the business and ownership models I can create that empower others, not just me?
What are the products, experiences and services I can create that serve others?
I look around and I see a lot of ego.
Brash clothes with big logos, flash cars with loud engines, social media profiles with a Hollywood lens. All posturing signals to flaunt status in a noisy world.
To create without ego, without a reliance on me. To strip myself away, to be an empty vessel channeling whatever needs to be written, drawn or created - that’s my stretch. That’s where I want to be.
I want it to be about the work, not unconsciously about me or always just for me.
Because when I scroll all I see is me, me, me and it’s exhausting. So individual, so selfish; all dressed up in the same clothes that purport a higher purpose. But really it’s just ego being “super vulnerable” and "authentic"
I want to live without ego, be in relationship without ego and contribute to the world without ego.
What does that look like?
I don’t know, I’ll have to keep an eye on my ego.
I hope to find out.
Footnotes:
Ego and Money
You don’t need an ego to make money and if you want to make money it doesn’t mean you have an ego and are “bad” That’s another myth. Sometimes, the desire to make money is unconscious, unspecific and fuelled by motivations that are ego-centric with a root cause that is not defined. In many circumstances the desire to create wealth is congruent to who you are and in most circumstances a fundamental part of survival.
Ego and fear/insecurity
The ego isn’t real. The ego is imagined and constructed. Therefore if someone feels afraid that they do not have enough money and in turn have a desperate desire for money, that does not mean they have an ego, that means they are afraid. Ego is the difference, the story, the narrative. Egoic thinking can be borne from a place of fear and insecurity, yet fear and insecurity can also be very real. It’s when the fear and insecurity are perceived (mind-created), that is ego.
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