#235: Growing up
Aged 17, 18, 19, every year was the “best year of my life.”
20, 21, 22, 23 - still, the years kept getting better and better.
25 - I had a big wobble with my mental health.
26, 27, 28 - I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m working hard, figuring myself out, I’m a bit lost, I’m moving forward though.
29 - oh wow I’m nearly 30, that came quickly.
30 - ok, right. 30. It’s the new 20!
31 - COVID was 2 years long so I’m technically 29…
32 - now I’m starting to make a considerable dent into my 30s
33 - in Lord of the Rings, Hobbits officially become men at this age.
I really feel like I’ve only just grown up and taken on real responsibility in my life.
During my late teens and early twenties I felt an incredible amount of freedom.
Worst case there was a bed with my name on it at my parents.
I could live pay cheque to pay cheque, take risks, live anywhere, do anything. I could even drink and go out on a school night and get some work done the next day.
In the last two years I feel like I’ve done some growing up.
I’ve begun to make decisions with consequences and deal with those consequences.
With the exuberance of youth, life changing decisions never felt life changing. Everything was short term, some travelling, a new job, a career change - “you’re young, you’ve got nothing to lose”.
Now, the gravity of decisions like getting married, buying property, career, relationships all feel more real.
The experience of maturity, of past decisions, the patterns that I’ve seen, the identity or “reputation” I’ve built. The stories I tell myself that become more ingrained.
Buying a house is a more consequential decision than renting one.
Getting married is a more consequential decision than going on a date.
Career, family, place. The threads that bind life together begin to intertwine as we weave a long term future.
I’ll be honest, I’ve resisted this for as long as possible, I’ve resisted growing, I’ve not wanted to become an adult.
For me, London summed this up. I felt like I could be Peter Pan down there, whilst I could have all the new experiences in the world, none of it actually felt new - it just felt like more highs, more dopamine, not real growth, not real moving forward.
What’s felt like growth for me, what’s felt like maturity and what’s felt uncomfortable has been buying a house and then thinking; “oh shit wait, do we wanna live here? Oh crikey interest rates have gone up a bit.”
That’s meant that I’ve been grieving my youth. The days of smirking because I’m the youngest person in the room are gone, the invincibility of youth fading away.
Roots are growing in my life, in my relationships - I can’t just get up and leave - I can’t just do exactly what I want to do all of the time.
At times, that’s felt annoying, I notice the teenage petulance rise up, “but I want to do this!” - anyone in a long term relationship has to grow up, not always getting what you want, making compromises, listening, making joint decisions.
I desperately don’t want to stay stuck in the past. The person that only reminisces about the good old days!
Nor do I want to be the person always anxious about the future, trapped by fear, risk averse, a cynic.
“One foot in the past, one foot in the future - pissing on the present.” No thanks.
I wouldn’t go back to my youth, maybe for a day or a week so I can have a blast in ibiza with the lads.
But really I don’t want that internal angst all over again, and if there are experiences of my youth that I want. I’d rather integrate them alongside the wisdom of growing up a bit.
Not a 25 year old trapped in a 32 year olds body. A 32 year old, authentically, connected, learning from the past, an eye on the future - fully in the now.
So, goodbye 25 year old self. Thanks for everything.
Thanks for all the hard work, thanks for doing the work on your mental health. Thanks for being brave and trying new things. Thanks for the relationships you’ve set me up with now.
Stay with me for the ride, I’ll need your advice at times, just like I will from that playful 6 year old too.
It’s time to let you go though, time to create something new, something you’d be proud of.
Onwards.
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