#233: Putting myself out there again
In the last two weeks I’ve been putting myself out there again.
AKA: I’ve been posting on social media again.
I’ve made a conscious decision to be more public in sharing what I’m working on.
I’ve posted 2 vlogs, made 2 reels, updated my insta bio and shared other content.
I’ve been experimenting and playing.
My response to doing it has been mixed, and I don’t mean by how many likes I’ve had. I mean my emotional response.
On the one hand, after a limited use of social media for a while, it’s nice to have a more appreciative relationship with the technology we all carry around with us.
Our phones are supercomputers, they are absolutely incredible machines and the creative expression they enable is limitless.
Before this week, I’d never made a reel before, now I’ve made two. On my phone, by downloading an app that someone else has created that makes it easy for me to do so.
With fresh eyes, I’ve been marvelling at the extent of human engineering and creativity that allows this to happen. It’s simply incredible.
I’ve reminded myself of the power of social media to simply be able to reach people. I’ve built up a lot of trust with people on social media over the years and have been able to generate some really great connections. People have been reaching out, people have been sending books to me, there’s no way I’d have that relationship with people I’d never met without it.
I’ve created opportunities and I feel really grateful and excited to be able to do that with the phone in my pocket.
On the flip-side, I’ve been on my phone a lot and have noticed a range of emotions emerge.
My first vlog got quite good engagement and that did feel good. I felt seen and recognised in a genuine way. I also liked the fact that it had “good numbers” of attention.
As a result, I’ve been checking how many likes and comments things have really regularly.
I’m addicted to notifications. I’m scared how uncontrollable this feeling is, how I find myself with my neck craned refreshing the page, or how I check my phone in my pocket without thinking.
The more I post, the more I check. I don’t believe I’m fully in control of my relationship with social media or the dopamine that those little red numbers stimulate.
I’ve noticed how much more judgemental I’ve been of myself since I started posting again. I’ve judged the quality of my content, what I’m actually doing, what my hair looks like, what my teeth look like, how I sound.
Social media is a mirror and staring in a mirror for a few hours a day is a challenge.
The feeling I have today with a little bit more distance, is exactly that, to create more distance.
My social media profile is not me. Repeat, say it again, ten times over.
The images, videos or multimedia content I create are made by me, they are not me. Even the videos which are very authentic are edited and they are not me, James, fully. They are me, James, fully whilst on video, talking in an online environment.
I’m detaching. Detaching from the quality, detaching from the posts, detaching from the profile, detaching from the followers, detaching from the likes.
@jdroutledge on Instagram is an instagram account made by me sharing stories of my life and my creative journey. It is not my whole being.
This perspective helps.
It helps because now I can begin to really consider how I could create content that matters, that’s meaningful and that helps people. Or I can simply be playful, free and unattached to how many likes I get.
Rather than thinking that everything I post about is a barometer of my worth to society and value as a human. That is not sustainable. Nor is believing that everything I post has to be perfectly sincere, a perfect representation of completely authentic me.
I’ll keep posting on social media, not because I need a million followers or a thousand likes on my next post, because I want to, because I enjoy creating, I enjoy telling my story and I enjoy connecting with people.
Focus on the play, focus on the process, detach from the outcome.
Hold me to that.
From this place, this is where I believe great art comes from.
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