#227: What's the point?
I’ve been avoiding writing this.
For the last 18 months as I’ve cautiously stepped out of Sanctus, out of London and into a new life I’ve been in a long corridor of transition.
I’ve been confused, lost, uncertain, excited, hopeful and philosophical.
I’ve had the luxury of time to ask questions of myself, of the world and observe.
I’ve felt like a lurker, not quite part of the real world. No official job, no role, no business - a fly on the wall.
And I’ve been lumbered with big questions.
Where to live?
What to do?
What next?
Many creative ideas and paths have crossed my mind.
Businesses, books, brands, courses, communities.
Some I’ve thrown around, some I've thrown away, some are in progress. Some are still in the sieve of my head.
Yet there’s one thought that’s laid heavy on me all this time. One thought I can't get away from, it haunts me, saps my energy, defeats my spirit, brings me down when I start to run, like a parachute on my back.
“What’s the point?”
It’s been with me that long, I can’t even remember if I’ve written about it before, it's like it's become a part of me, a chain around my neck.
I can’t shake it.
I can’t shake that every time I go to create something, step more deeply into something, that I just think… “what’s the point?”
'What’s the point, the world’s burning alway'
'What’s the point, I’m powerless to make real change'
'What’s the point, I’ll probably get bored'
'What’s the point, I won’t help that many people'
What’s the point, what’s the point, what’s the point?
I’ve been questioning my own existence, questioning life, questioning the meaning of life, questioning the systems of power, questioning the complex social and cultural dynamics that effect or bottleneck change.
I’ve not really been telling anyone, because I’m scared of being too much, too intense.
'Give it a rest mate, just have another beer for fuck sake.'
'Stop questioning the world. Stop questioning everything. Just have a laugh, just enjoy it. You've got a good life'
I know how lucky I am to have the time and freedom to wander the streets observing the world questioning things.
Yet it’s because I’ve afforded myself this time that I’ve been asking these big questions and I can't get away.
I feel relieved now to be airing some of these feelings I’ve been having.
I’d categorise them as existential dread or put them in the genre of “doom and gloom”
I know it’s not only me, but it feels like only me, because who wants to talk about the actual meaning of life and how, probably, the planet and all other life on earth would be better off if humans weren’t in it?
Who wants to actually sit and ponder on, wait, why are we here?
That’s where I am and that’s what I’m pondering and, for now, I’m cruising until I really feel like I can find some meaning that gives thrust to my life and creative endeavours.
I’m happy, I’m here, I’m present, I’m loving, I’m loved and I’m searching, I’m curious, I’m looking for something.
I could probably stop searching, stop trying to find meaning and just enjoy what I have.
Perhaps I could just get out of my own way, stop thinking, stop worrying about the meaning of life and just live my life.
Perhaps.
That all just doesn’t feel very me though, there’s something I’m looking for beyond the individual enjoyment of life.
A deeper connection to me, those around me, my community and the natural world.
A life that isn’t just set up for my pleasure, where I take what I want from the world and share it round with those I care about.
I don’t know what I want, but I want fairness, equality, balance, sustainability. I want a reciprocal connection with the world around me.
It all sounds like nonsense and I'm judging myself for writing 'reciprocal connection', yet my fingers are typing fast and I know it means a lot to me..
I just don’t know what yet.
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Writing
#224: I don't have a to-do list
Who am I?
Writer, founder, husband, always tanned.
Wannabe poet, imposter, taboo buster.
Thinker, philosopher, not a drinker
Joker, chancer, bad dancer.
shoulder chipped Stokie
champagne hippie
Asks questions,
the big ones
best ones.
Always
asking
Who
am
I?