#225: Gardening leave
It’s November 5th 2020 and I’ve just sent an email to the Sanctus Team announcing our new CEO.
I’m stepping back and I’m not entirely sure what I’m stepping into.
I’m nervous and excited.
I'm scared about how it might land with the team and nervous about what might follow.
I feel like a naughty kid; doing something fun, silly, something that you’re not meant to do.
It’s made all the weirder working remotely. I'm in my one bed flat on my glass table covered in smudges. Sarah is sat opposite me hiding behind two monitors, mine at one end, hers at the other.
I hit send on the email and it travels into a virtual blackhole. I whack my laptop lid shut.
“Done”
I then entered a 3 week ‘holiday’ the longest amount of time I’d had off since the 6 weeks holidays in school.
I was going nowhere. No exotic trip to the Maldives or road trip to Spain. No sightseeing to take my mind off things, no school to build.
Just me, in a lockdown, in West London in a big period of unknown.
I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself.
I ran downstairs and messaged Mike who lived on our development of flats and looked after things.
“Mike I’ve got some free time now from my job, need a hand with anything? I can help you out. I’m kind of on gardening leave!”
Within an hour of sending that email I was mowing the lawn of our shared plot. Furiously manoeuvring the lawnmower around a tricky clump of grass and narrow passage to more riverside flats.
“All done!”
Later, I re-emerged to the flat/co-working space telling Sarah what I’d been doing. She looked at me with a look that said “ok you’re in a weird place right now I’m just going to leave you to it” How you might look at someone’s driving license you found on the pavement. Lost and not supposed to be there. Out of place.
I caught myself. What on earth was I doing? I’d stepped away from being the CEO of the company I started and within minutes I was a volunteer gardener.
I was so afraid of having an empty calendar, so afraid of being bored, of not knowing what to do with myself that I’d instantly filled my time.
I’d longed for more space, more time, more freedom and rushed into doing something, anything to avoid it.
I was afraid of what I might feel. I was scared to feel sad, to feel uncertain, to feel grief, loss, to be in my own head.
I was scared to let go and I was scared to be in the the in-between. Ugh how I hated the in-between. I didn’t want to feel sad, or bored, or at a loss. I just wanted to be onto the next thing. Happy happy happy.
I was avoiding ending.
I was avoiding ending a big chapter. I was avoiding saying goodbye.
I spent the next 3 weeks walking around Fulham Palace Gardens listening to Freya Ridings, Lost Without You like a teenager contemplating his first breakup.
And I slept, I slept a lot.
I was completely exhausted. I couldn’t get out of bed and wanted to sleep in the afternoon. My bones ached. My body wanted to rest. So I did.
Strangely, my phone broke for that exact period too and then magically turned back on when it was time for me to re-enter the world. It’s funny how these things happen if you let yourself notice the signs.
I stopped. I finally stopped.
I ended that chapter, properly. I rested, I reflected, I had a proper break and after a couple of weeks my energy began to return to the point where I found myself creating new stuff, writing and experimenting.
I caught myself in an anxious frenzy to avoid stopping and to avoid grieving the end.
I stopped, I let go. I let myself feel sad and I let myself sleep.
When I re-emerged I started writing my book, I created a new website for myself and in the year that followed I created a journaling community for Sanctus that hundreds of people needed and played a big part in raising our investment round.
If you don’t end well. Nothing new can be born.
It doesn't have to be a 3 week holiday or year long sabbatical. It can be a clink of a glass to celebrate your time in your previous job. It could be saying thank you to a friend, or a parent for being there for you in a certain time in your life. It could just be a moment of pause and silent reflection.
The point is, we have to end things.
I've done a lot to avoid ending things. Whether that’s roles, relationships or chapters in my life. I avoid letting go and saying goodbye. I don't like it, I like to keep all my options open.
"We might work together again, one day, yeah??!" feels easier than acknowledging it's unlikely you'll ever work with or see your colleague again.
When I do end well, when I say goodbye, that’s when new stuff is able to grow.
When I don’t, I’m stunted, entangled and if I do grow, I do so with the shackles of the past confusing me.
I believe we could all do well to end better, to let things die and create space for new life to begin.
That's the end of this newsletter.
Cheers,
James x
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Who am I?
Writer, founder, husband, always tanned.
Wannabe poet, imposter, taboo buster.
Thinker, philosopher, not a drinker
Joker, chancer, bad dancer.
shoulder chipped Stokie
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