#209: Gender Inequality
Over the last two years my eyes have opened wider and wider to gender inequality in our world.
How women and men are treated very differently and how the world is a very different place depending on your gender.
How gender inequality impacts women AND men.
Sarah Everard’s murder woke me up. A young woman walking home in South London, like many of my woman friends do, like Sarah does, like Sarah’s sister does, like so many of the women I work with at Sanctus do. Brutally murdered by a police officer - a men we teach children to trust.
That made my eyes bulge, yet even before that my eyes were opening wider. Mostly because of the brilliant women I’ve been surrounded by. Sarah, Lauren Currie and colleagues at Sanctus.
Feminism used to be an annoying little word to me. “What now?” Is the only way I can describe it. Like a nag.
A few years on, lots of reading, uncomfortable conversations, hard truths, long looks in the mirror and more coverage on the violence towards women and I see now how we’d all be better off if everyone was a feminist. Men and women. Me and you. All of us.
As one of my readers and pen pals, Kerry wrote to me, he said; “I have something building in my heart on this topic”. I can’t say it better. My heart is burning when it comes to men, women, girls, boys and the way the world is right now.
What makes me want to write is the daughter or son that I don’t have. I look at the kids in my family and look at the world they are growing up into. Where young boys still have very little guidance on how to talk about their emotions. Where Tiktok reels dominate. Where young women are murdered as they put their key into their door. Where women are paid less, insulted, touched inappropriately or talked at as if they are objects - every single day.
I don’t want the daughter I don’t have yet to come into this world and be around that constant provocation. That constant jabbing. That constant fear. I don’t want to worry she won’t make it home.
I don’t want the son I don’t have yet to be that boy that doesn’t understand consent, that doesn’t know how to ask for help, that looks up to men famed for sleeping around, that grows up in a rigid box of masculinity.
It’s hard to write because I’m not perfect and this is live, this is happening now, every day. This isn’t something I can go on a retreat for and come back with all the answers and nice polished blog post about.
Do I still explain things to women that they already know? Probably
Do other men still hold my gaze even though I’m standing side by side with a woman? Yes
Does the bill still automatically get passed to me? Yes
Does Sarah have to remind me to do basic domestic duties in the house? Yes
Do I automatically feel like I must provide, protect and earn the money for our family? Yes
“But that’s just the way it is!” Come on, we can’t change everything, men and women are different.”
I hear that said and I hear myself say it.
The way it is does not work. The way it is is killing us. The way it is makes women feel unsafe and scared. The way it is pokes at women, knocks their confidence and makes them have to fight for what I have automatically.
The way it is, suicide is one of the biggest killers of men. The way it is, men and women suffer. The way it is is breaking.
Men and women are different. Yes, we are and that’s why this whole conversation can’t be binary. Men and women need different support. Yet we need fairness and the way things are set up now just aren’t fair.
I notice the defensiveness rise in me. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel seen in the gender conversation. The young man that’s felt scared walking down the street. The young man who didn’t feel safe to talk about his feelings to his friends. The young man who’s “had it tough too you know”
From my vantage point the world where women don’t feel safe to walk home in the dark and have to fight for the same pay as their male peers at work is the same world where men get 2 weeks paternity and don’t feel like they have a single friend they can open up too.
It’s the same damn coin with two bleak sides.
The narrow box we create for men to live within creates suffering and pain that hurts other men and hurts women. That’s how I see it.
It’s a world where men take their own life, are more likely to go to prison, be homeless and assault a woman. It’s a world where women don’t feel safe and are excluded from opportunities. Where men hold power and make the rules, where women are not seen.
Many women reading this might be angry that I’m telling you what you’ve known for years or feel tired at hearing the same stuff over and over again with nothing being done. You might be angry it had to take yet another tragic murder or me imagining my future child for me to pay more attention.
We’ve outsourced the care of men to women too, we expect women to emotionally support men and teach them what feminism is and why it’s good for men and women. I’m not writing this to add another thing to a woman’s mostly too long to-do list. I’m writing this for men and women, but mainly for men. It’s on us.
I look back at the last 7 years of my life and I’m so grateful I had those panic attacks that rocked my world and opened me up. I’m so glad I did a lot of stuff “that women do” like speak to a Coach, a therapist, go to Yoga, write my feelings down, have friendships with women, open up to men.
I’m so glad that I dared to express myself, be vulnerable and be the man I want to be.
Before that, I couldn’t see women. I couldn’t see their pain. I couldn’t see how the world made their life harder. I could barely see in front of me. I couldn’t see past myself, never mind towards anyone else. I couldn’t see how the world isn’t working for me and the other men in my life either.
I see now. I see you. I see how my life is better. How I feel better and how I’d love the world to be different for our next generation of children. I’m a feminist, I want us all to be.
There is hope. There’s the conversations I have with my male friends where we thank our lucky stars that we have chosen such strong, fiercely independent partners who’ve opened our eyes.
There’s the women I see standing strong, in community, in solidarity. Fighting back. There are the men I see standing alongside them, not talking the limelight.
I want more and I want to be part of it, for all of us, for our future, our kids cousins, grandkids
A light that burns brightly in my world is the brilliant Lauren Currie and her work with UPFRONT. I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Lauren for over a year and being a very small part in supporting her on the journey with UPFRONT.
Changing confidence for women. Creating a community for women. Celebrating women.
That’s her mission and it’s a mission I want to win. It’s a mission I know we will win.
I spoke about all of this on Lauren’s podcast, UPFRONT Moment, and what I appreciate a lot about Lauren is how I never feel man-bashed. I feel called out at times, but I don’t feel to blame. Her strength to do that is the true leadership we need in this world.
(Podcast on Spotify & Podcast on Apple)
I don’t plug a lot here, I wholeheartedly plug Lauren and UPFRONT.
Thanks for reading and as always I appreciate the curiosity and open dialogue I have with people on this newsletter. Men, boys, lads, friends - hit reply. Let’s go
Cheers,
James x
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