#206: I am here
I am.
I am.
I am.
My first ever journal is littered with this phrase repeated over and over again, like a mantra.
I am. I am. I am.
It was an answer to the question “who am I?” I am. I am. I am. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Since then I’ve searched to answer that question. Wearing different hats, different clothes, different personas to hang myself onto.
Mental health guy, writer/author, startup founder, Stoke, rower, reader. All identities I wear at different times and in different places.
This year I’ve entered the barrenness of a transition and I’ve felt naked. Stripped of my founder identity and clinging to as many labels as I could to keep some clothes on and not feel the cold.
I jumped to another identity, 'Writer'. “I am a writer” I told myself. “That is who I am now.”
That helped, because if I wasn’t a startup founder, or didn’t have a startup to ‘found’ then I needed to be something, or else I’d be nothing.
The role at Staffs Uni helped too; “I’m an Entrepreneur in Residence”. I am something. Somebody wants me.
Labels comfort me. Labels make me feel valued and valuable.. They make me feel like I fit in. They give me something to do, they give me something to fixate on. They give me something to think about.
“I’ll be the best entrepreneur in residence there is”. “I’ll be a full time writer.”
For the last two months I have been nothing. I’ve been nobody. I’ve been off, on a proper break.
I’ve not been a writer, or an entrepreneur. I’ve not been a rower or a reader. I have switched myself off. Thank you Sarah for helping me find the button.
I have not been anything. I have not attached myself to anything. I have not become anyone or tried to become anyone.
I’ve stopped, with a full stop.
I have noticed how deeply involved I like to be with everything I do. How I like to attach myself to everything. How when I go for a bike ride, I come back and think; “I’m a cyclist!”
The passion is excellent and enthralling, yet the searching and fixation is exhausting and unproductive.
When I try to be an entrepreneur I start nothing.
When I try to be a writer I write rubbish.
When I start something, I just start. I am an entrepreneur.
When I write, I just write. I am a writer.
When I do nothing. I do nothing. I am.
When I stop searching, I’m left with me.
From here, I can be anything.
James x
Writing
2 months off (with pictures) - LinkedIn
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Who am I?
Writer, founder, husband, always tanned.
Wannabe poet, imposter, taboo buster.
Thinker, philosopher, not a drinker
Joker, chancer, bad dancer.
shoulder chipped Stokie
champagne hippie
Asks questions,
the big ones
best ones.
Always
asking
Who
am
I?