#202: Finding my mojo again
I feel like I've lost my spark and some of my confidence.
The COVID period really knocked me. I missed the embodied feedback from being around people. I didn’t realise how much I needed social cues to know what I have said matters or landed with people. I didn’t realise I needed people to feel connected and belong.
Whilst handing over the reins to Sanctus I took a lot of tough feedback from our team. I felt like a punch bag at times. We needed to hear it, but it was brutal, and in a virtual world even harder because all I heard was the words and all I had after was myself to sit with.
In a real world environment I’d have heard all that feedback and then got a pat on the back from someone or a smile as we walked out of the meeting room.
Instead I left many important, yet difficult, group meetings with my tail between my legs wondering what I’d done wrong, ready to curl up into my shame hole.
The fundraising process came along and my confidence took another bruising. I don’t mind speaking to investors, I feel that founder confidence that can border on arrogance, that “you’re lucky to be getting to look inside my business” feeling.
A fundraising process is exposing. I went out and told our story, warts and all.
It’s a vulnerable position sharing about your business, that you’ve poured a lot into. For it to be distilled into forecasts, reference calls and churn data. For the essence to be turned into a number, a valuation, for the good and the bad to be poked at.
Again, I felt like a punch bag at times. I didn’t help myself much. I made it all way too personal. If there was feedback about Sanctus, that was feedback about me. If there was an area we fell down in, that was an area I fell down in.
The remoteness of a pandemic, the pain of changing leadership and the nakedness of a fundraising process all spun me round. Two years later and I feel like I’ve only just fallen out of the washing machine, I’m soaked.
It’s been worth it. It’s been needed. I and Sanctus are in a better place for it all. It’s been tough though, really tough, probably more tough than I’ve let myself believe. I’ve been bruised and I’ve made myself small to protect myself. I’ve lost some confidence that I’m only just letting myself grab back.
This is an old pattern for me. One where I yo-yo from feeling powerful to powerless. confident to doubtful.
I gave my power away in Sanctus, literally. I devolved control, gave away responsibility. I let myself feel powerless. I stayed silent when my voice was probably needed. I tried hard to let go and then when I probably needed to lead, to step in and be loud, I didn’t. By deciding to pass on leadership I’d forgotten my leadership, forgotten my power, my uniqueness.
I see more clearly now that my confidence, my power are mine to give away. That helps me take ownership for how I’ve felt, acted and remember that I’ve been complicit in it all, this hasn’t happened to me, I made it happen.
My confidence is fluctuating. It comes and goes, it stays for a while, it is lost.
One moment, it’s white hot, it’s more than confidence. It’s gnosis. I don’t just believe I can do something, I know I can. I don’t just believe something will happen, I know it will.
Another moment and I’m wavering, lost and unsure. I let doubt overtake me, I worry, I ruminate. The confidence I had has shattered, the coin landed the other side up. The innate conviction I once had feels like a distant memory.
I let myself feel both feelings. I let myself feel worried and under-confident, because I’ve lived a life where I just put on a front and kept calm to carry on. I was closed-minded, arrogant, brash. Insecurity all dressed up.
There is a balance though, one that my pendulum is swinging back to find. The humility to accept doubt and openness to the opinions of others, and the power to believe and listen to my own conviction. I’m finding that balance and think I’ve swayed away from my own compass for a little while too long.
My confidence is coming back.
Daily journalling is helping me to play and experiment again.
I’m seeing my old therapist to keep an eye on the inner demons that like to pull me back in.
I’m working with a coach to help me stay accountable to a new creative process.
I’m connecting with other founders to hear their stories on transitioning from one business to their next project.
I’m letting myself create in different ways; drawing, creating playful plans for businesses I’ll probably never start, buying first edition books, writing this newsletter, crazy talk and posting on social media. I’d like to give acting a go too, that’s next on my list to try.
I can feel my spark coming back.
Zing.
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