#198: Surrender
Surrender now, to this moment
even if, you did not choose it
let your guard down
surrender to what you do not want to say
do not live to fight every day
surrender to the truth
no matter how hard to accept
surrender until there's nothing left
yield
give up
give in
surrender from within
fail into the arms
of what you tried to reject
let yourself accept
stop resisting
let life's force wash over you
surrender to what's new.
and to who you have become
surrender to your future
and your new life that's already begun
At times, I resist life and fight my present situation.
It’s like an addiction to strife. A nostalgic belief that life must be hard. I must make it so.
There’s an entrenched thought pattern in me that says: “things should be different than they are right now”
Resistance is exhausting. Even in a beautifully privileged life, I resist it “I should be here, I should be there” These are old patterns I’ve reflected on and written about before.
When I hear “surrender” or “acceptance” I revert to perceiving “giving up” as a bad thing, as a sign of weakness, that someone else has won and I have lost.
When I was holding onto the control of Sanctus as CEO. I couldn’t let go and I was at war with myself. I couldn’t accept me. I was avoiding the truth that I wanted to leave. I was holding on, gripping tight.
When I finally let go, I didn’t feel like I’d lost. I felt like I had won my own game and I felt a long sense of relief.
It’s similar now. Having left London and the UK for a while. I feel relieved that I have stopped clinging onto some notion of the “life I should live”
Yet resistance remains.
My journey of acceptance and surrender is ongoing with Sanctus. I have left and therefore my identity is shifting. Being the founder of Sanctus is no longer the central facet of who I am. Yet I’m holding onto that. All signs in life point towards me continuing to let go, to continue to step back and let Sanctus become what she needs to be and let life take its natural course.
That means surrendering to emptiness and nothingness. Surrendering to the questions; 'how do I express who I am now? What is next for me creatively?' It means accepting the choices I have made. That I have left the business I started. That I am open to more. That I am an empty vessel ready for the next challenge. Ready to be filled up with the same love and passion I felt for a social injustice 6 years ago. Ready to rest from a long journey.
I haven’t accepted or surrendered to that yet. Thinking of letting go completely I’m filled with sadness at saying goodbye to memories, people and a community I love. I’m in touch with the fear of the unknown, of whether I’ll ever find the same connection to a company or creative venture again. I must also surrender to the loss of a projected outcome. Holding on to something I can trick myself into believing I can control where life goes. By surrendering, I yield to what may become. Not just one possible eventuality but many.
I’m not surprised to find myself writing so lovingly here about Sanctus, in relation to surrender and acceptance. I need this catharsis and in truth have been avoiding sharing directly about it. This feels like one of the steps I have to take in a journey to surrender to life and accept my present reality and the many possible futures too.
In surrendering I feel naked, chest exposed. Literally in this case as it’s the Sanctus t-shirt I’ve worn across my chest for 5 years.
There’s sadness, a tinge of fear and many rays of hope too. To surrender feels good. Light. Free. Albeit unprotected and with some uncertainty.
Thanks,
James x
Writing
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