#196: Oh shut up mate
This is a voice in my head.
When I feel confused, anxious or scared.
“Shut up mate, you’ve got it so good, what do you have to complain about?”
This week I’ve found it hard to write, because of this voice.
I wanted to write about freedom, and how hard I find it to really let myself be free. How I’m in a period of uncertainty. I don’t know where I’ll turn.
I hear, in response; “oh, shut up mate”
It’s a voice which doesn’t let me air my concerns or fearful thoughts, because my life is good, because of my privilege.
It’s a voice, that in a positive way, gives me perspective of how fortunate I am.
Yet it’s a voice along with “what’s the point?” that I’m finding is debilitating me creatively and professionally at the moment.
When I think about what I might write in this newsletter or what I could work on next.
I hear two voices. “Oh shut up mate” and “what’s the point?”
The first one regards the bubble I live in, the privilege I have. “Is what you’re working on really having a positive impact on the world?” “Are you really levelling the playing field?” “Are you actually helping people?”
“Shut up mate, you’re not.”
The second, “What’s the point” is my defeatedness. "What’s the point in writing a weekly newsletter when the world is burning? What’s the point in creating this, or that? It won’t be enough."
“What’s the point? We’re f*cked anyway”
I have these two strong voices in my head, one which is very hard on myself that tries to stop me from feeling how I may. Another that’s defeatist, fatalistic and just wants to collapse into itself.
These lingering thoughts are affecting me and stopping me from taking another step forward in my life.
When I dig, delve and reflect on these thoughts, I hear something more.
I hear:
I feel guilty of my privilege.
I’m scared of being judged when I share how I feel.
I want to help people
I want to stay grounded because I’m scared I’ll lose touch with what matters
I really want to help humanity in whatever I work on
The nasty or defeatist voices in my thoughts are not all bad, they come from a true place, they come from a true feeling. When I slow down and reframe, I can see what they really mean.
In the position I am in my life, taking a break from a business I started, doing some travelling. I feel immensely privileged and I am scared I might lose touch with what matters to me.
I want to contribute more to society and whatever I creatively contribute I want it to be truly impactful in how I help people and really raise the bar for others. I don’t want to just create work that serves my bubble.
“Oh shut up mate”, sounds harsh, yet there’s a kernel of truth in there that is dear to me.
“What’s the point?” might make me want to curl up and go back to bed, but there’s a soft tender desire wrapped up in there that I cherish.
I find that when recurring thoughts or feelings come up that I associate as negative I often want to push them away and reject them. Yet when I welcome them, hold them, take a longer look at them - they give me powerful insights.
In this case, I’m not just being hard on myself. I’m reminded of what I care about, how conscious I am of my role in the world and how I want to contribute. I’m reminded of what I value and who I want to be.
“Oh shut up mate, what have you got to say?”
Quite a lot, thank you.
“Ugh, what’s the point? We’re all f*cked anyway.”
I hear you. I don’t want it to be that way.
What I'm writing
CRAZY TALK #16
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Writer, founder, husband, always tanned.
Wannabe poet, imposter, taboo buster.
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