#190: Getting married without a big wedding
I have to start by saying thank you.
I love writing this newsletter, I really do and I love writing it because of the wonderful people I write to, who read it.
Last week, and many weeks before that, my inbox is filled with warm, compassionate, kind responses from people interested in dialogue and connection.
Writing here feels like such a beautiful antidote to so much of what I don’t love about social media.
Thank you for being here.
I put off getting married, because I was scared of having a wedding.
The thought of a conventual, high attendance, high cost, high stress wedding, stressed me out.
Both Sarah and I had an expectation and entrenched vision of how our wedding “should” be. It involved vineyards, great halls, fairy lights and rustic tables.
I’m pretty certain you’ll have seen what I’m picturing on instagram or Pinterest.
I never even considered the wedding I wanted. I just had an image placed in my mind, like a magazine advert.
The traditions of groomsmen in the same 3 piece suits, bouquets being thrown over shoulders, three course meals and first dances were etched into my mind. A path that I must travel.
Yet, something about the whole thing felt off to me and I felt uncomfortable at the thought of our own wedding. I felt a strong sense of what I “should do” and what was expected of us. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to feel that way either.
Sarah and I noticed we weren’t excited when talking about it, if anything we were worried. That’s not how either of us wanted to be.
This confusion and mind or society-created expectation was exacerbated by the financial costs attached to the wedding-we-must-have. I’d heard stories of weddings ranging from £10,000 - £30,000+. The thought made me feel sick and scared.
That would have been nearly everything we had, for one day, for one act of love and commitment.
The best thing we both did, was stop talking about getting married. It didn’t feel right, we didn’t feel right, so we agreed to park it. We were engaged and agreed we were in no rush, we stopped ruminating and trusted the right path would emerge.
It did.
It began in the jewellers at the start of this year. After months of putting off getting Sarah’s engagement ring resized, we went to the jewellers to do so and the kind lady mentioned how it might fit more snug with a wedding band below it.
45 minutes and £1,000 later, we walked out of the jewellers with two wedding rings. It just felt right, we wanted one.
We wanted to be married, we didn’t care about much else.
From there the decision was made.
Focus on marriage and the commitment to one another. Focus on the contract, the vows, the ritual and the ceremony. Worry about little else.
We agreed it was marriage we cared most about. We wanted to be legally, officially, actually married and we didn’t want to wait.
We didn’t want to wait 2 years for the perfect venue. We wanted to be husband and wife, now.
Everything else became easier. The priority was us, me and Sarah, our marriage. The priority was what we wanted, not what anyone else wanted and we just wanted to get married.
The focus centered around the ceremony. Not the party or the meal, or what DJ we might need. It was on the words we’d exchange, where we’d do that and who we wanted to be witnessed by.
The boundaries were set, because what mattered to us both was clear. We both invited only the closest of friends and the closest of family.
I only had 3 people from my 40+ extended family and 5 friends when I could have had 20. It was the same for Sarah, we had 22 people in total.
The conversations weren’t difficult, they were clear and everyone understood. People respected us and were still thrilled we had a date booked in.
Some people were sad and in a way, that was good, it was nice to know they cared and most weren’t sad for long.
It made inviting people special, with less people, an invite meant a lot. Those that didn’t witness us on the day weren’t excluded from celebrating with us. Drinks or socialising before and after the wedding still meant clinks of glasses with friends and we could have special moments with others around the wedding.
The rest is simple. A lovely meal booked at The Tawny Hotel. An intimate group that created space for honest, emotional words and little stress in the lead up.
There was some stress, but not much. We enjoyed the lead up to the wedding, we did little bits of organising each day, both Sarah and I on different things. In truth, it was easy. Organising our wedding was easy, that feels good to say.
The day was blissful and the smallness created comfort. We had longs chats with everyone, people had long chats with each other. Our parents were centres of attention, as well as us, they didn’t get lost in the crowds, nor did we.
After a 2 night stay in an amazing boathouse, I left feeling relived, in love and sad it was over. Yet I didn’t feel like I was crashing down to earth, nor did I feel overwhelmed. I felt good, I felt complete.
The money mattered to me and I left feeling like we’d got a good deal. I don’t mind spending, I wouldn’t describe myself as frugal, yet I appreciate value and I like to be generous.
We didn’t spend anywhere near the average UK wedding cost which I think is about £23,000. All in, fully loaded, we wound up spending around £7,500. That includes rings, suit, dress, meal, open bar with lush cocktails, gifts and a 2 night stay in the hotel.
It’s not about the money and I notice my Britishness rising when talking about it, but in a world where the expectation is to spend a lot, I feel like we did it in a way that made sense emotionally and financially too. The costs are a huge aspect of weddings that I know impact people greatly.
What I feel most strongly about is “should” and how with weddings there is such a strong sense of “should”. We did it our own way and it worked for us.
I don’t sit here writing about how anyone else “should” have their wedding, just how we had ours. What I am passionate about is creativity and authenticity. I believe in our relationships we need both. Being authentic to what we care about and creative in how we express ourselves.
I got married in Stoke, with 22 people, wearing a casual suit and white trainers.
That worked for me.
I hope we can all, in weddings and life itself, find the power to realise what works for us.
I hope too, we can allow that to be different, for everyone.
Cheers,
James x
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