#184: Dealing with criticism
Ever since I began a creative life I’ve been on the receiving end of criticism.
Whether it be blog posts, social media statuses, books or businesses.
My actions, my stories, my ideas and my opinions have been open to receive criticism, uninvited analysis or judgement.
Just like they’ve also been open to receive thanks, gratitude and praise too.
I find myself drawn to criticism though.
I could write a piece of content that receives 90 overwhelmingly positive comments, yet the one piece of criticism I receive is where I hone in.
When I first began sharing on social media; sharing my story, my beliefs and my ideas. I received a good deal of criticism and some of it bordered on what I felt like was insulting and mildly abusive.
I’ve been called a “wet lettuce”. I’ve been told I’m an egomaniac in mental health for the money, I’ve been in comments threads where multiple people are discussing me, my motivations and arguing about my morals, my values and who I am. One guy told me I had shit hair and rather than post about mental health I need to go to the hairdressers. Another person reviewed my book saying they threw it in a bin because I spoke about white privilege. This is just what people are saying to me online, so my mind only wanders what some people have said about me privately.
The initial foray of criticism and what you might call trolling online I really struggled with. I felt sick, like I’d been punched in the stomach. It really knocked my confidence. I wasn’t looking at how many people were positively engaging with my content, this group of snarky and hurtful comments were hurting me, I was taking them to heart.
The painful part of criticism is when it resonates to something that you believe about yourself too. Or when it plays on a fragile insecurity. When someone you’ve never met and never will, says something that hits a nerve or that rings true.
The other painful and saddening part of online criticism is that often it’s just nasty and pointless. It gets me down, why do people feel the need to say this stuff?
In other scenarios, the criticism is constructive and it’s said with good intent. It’s an observation. It might be uncomfortable, it might hurt but it’s fair, it’s honest and you can take it on. You can learn.
Most of the time we see what we want to see.
I’ve learned over the years that my desire to hone in on the minor amount of negative criticism and disregard the majority of the positive acclaim says more about me and my preference to judge and be hard on myself, than it does about other people who are willingly or mindlessly reacting to a post on social media.
I realise social media is a frenzy, it’s a strange form of communication where you are talking to everybody and nobody all at the same time. You are shouting into a very public domain, so it comes with the territory that anyone can respond.
I don’t dwell on the negative comments any more, I read the positive ones too. I take time away from my phone, I come back, I respond, I try not to react. I notice what might have been evoked in me and I wonder what nerve it’s touched? I reflect on what might be true for me.
Other times, I just ignore it. I’ve developed a thick skin, I laugh it off. I see the petulant and needless comments for what they are. Petulant and needless. I realise I can’t help everyone and I’m not going to have a dialogue with a random person giving me mild online abuse because I’m in no position to have the impactful conversation with them I might want to have.
There’s another area of criticism in creative life that I’ve not yet really worked out how to deal with.
Online criticism is easier because it comes from people I don’t know and will probably never ever meet.
Yet sometimes criticism comes from people you know, people you love and people you work with.
Especially when company building, criticism can and will come from your own team and colleagues.
I’ve been on the receiving end of criticism multiple times from the Sanctus team and I found it very very tough to take.
As I said above, it’s necessary. The criticism is vital, It’s feedback on the company and the product. You take it on, you learn and you grow.
Employees, loved ones, friends. They might not like what you’ve created, they might not like you or who you’ve become.
And these aren’t people you can or want to block online. They are people you see and you live with and you care about.
I find this hard. I’ve not learned how to live with this yet. I still want to be liked by everyone and I still want everyone to have a positive experience with me or what I create.
It’s a taboo that I’m not sure I’ve heard many talk about before. About the people in your life, your friends, family and team criticising you and what you’ve built or how you lead. Every leader and every founder and every creator must feel that.
It could be a smirk. It could be an angry message. It could be a direct conversation. Every creator receives criticism from people they care about.
What I imagine is that whilst online we can learn to deal with the criticism. In real life, in companies or in relation to people and what we build. We must learn to live with criticism. To learn to live in difference to others. I’m not there yet. I still care too much. I still care what people think. I still want to get it all right. I still want the people around me to receive me positively. I still struggle with conflict. I have a deep desire to belong and when I’m criticised I feel like I don’t belong. I feel alone.
The environment matters. One reason I love writing here is that if you want to criticise or give feedback on my writing you email me back directly. I can receive that in a different way. It’s not a public comment for others to jump on top of that descends into a toxic conversation.
Wirth regards to criticism from your team or your customers in company building. I’ve not quite learned how not to take that to heart yet. I guess I’ve not learned how not to care, or to love. I’m not sure how it can be another way or if I’d like to be another way. I think I probably would like to care a little less to be honest. Yet I love how much I care, it makes me, me. I’m a bit confused.
Here’s to dealing with criticism and learning to live with it too.
I’ll let you know how I get on.
Poem of the week.
On procrastination by David Whyte
Piece of art in the Wellcome Collection. After a while the text disappears in the sand.
Sarah on a walk at Edale (Kinder Scout), haven't checked if you like the photo sorry x.
What I'm writing
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I write reviews of what I've read on Good Reads.
Currently reading Educated by Tara Westover
My pocket read is Upstream by Mary Oliver.
My book - 'Mental Health at Work'
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Who am I?
I'm Founder of Sanctus and Author of "Mental Health at Work"
I write this newsletter about mental health, startups and my life journey. 8,000 people like it enough to still be here. I try to respond to everyone who emails me, it just takes me a while.