#176: I find writing really hard
Hey - here's my latest newsletter. Find more of my writing in the links at the end and my audiobook.
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I want to write more.
That sounds slightly odd, considering I have just published my first book and write “regularly” compared to many people.
I’ve never called myself a Writer. Even since publishing my book I still see my primary creative identity as that of a Founder or Entrepreneur.
To think of myself as a writer, first, that feels obscene, naughty, could I? Am I?
Since I decided I would like to write even more than I have been doing, I have found writing more challenging. I’ve had some of my writing published in different places, on top of a really good reception around my book.
I have loved and hated the challenge.
As I picture myself as a “Writer” I’ve noticed I’ve began judging my writing much more and what began as a playful passion where I wasn’t too interested in what people thought has become more serious, because I am taking it more seriously.
Today is a great example. I showed up to this newsletter determined to write, because I know that consistency and discipline is key to my writing.
The below is my battle with the keyboard and in turn, my battle with myself, with a crescendo to a mild revelation at the end.
Because I feel like I have nothing else to say today, I thought I would share my battle and it’s outcome.
Ah fuck man I sound like I am trying to write for the guardian.
What’s my fucking story, what do I actually want to say.
I usually write the best when I start with I….
I feel annoyed that I can’t write and have nothing to say
I feel annoyed that I can’t write about EVERYTHING
You can’t write about everything, because some things are not yours to write about. Anyway I have actually even written about this before.
I am trying to be more of a writer and even writing that sentence it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Since I’ve started writing more have I enjoyed writing more? I have even been paid to write a couple of times. Ugh these words I even type right now are actual tripe.
Writing is really hard. The technique is tough but also actually having a story and finding the story you want to share is even just as hard. All in all, it can feel impossible. I can see why many people do not write, whether in a newsletter or blogs or on social media etc.
I love writing and even though what I am writing right now is absolute nonsense, just the sheer act of feeling my fingers pound the keyboard in angst feels excellent.
Today I have nothing to say and no stories to tell (that I can find in my heart, body, head or soul), or no stories that I feel like I can tell in the way I want to tell them.
I write today in frustration and wishing this was a good newsletter and good article, one I could share and it would “pop” oh it’s been a while since I wrote something that popped. Actually the one I wrote on money did pop.
What I am learning about writing is that writing takes discipline and it takes practice and it takes commitment.
I have some talent, I know that much and I have found my voice, which I am very pleased about. Yet the discipline to write even now when writing this is painfully bleak, that, I don’t have that much of.
To write, is to share something of yourself, to share something of yourself is vulnerable. Therefore to write I must be connected to a part of me that is willing to be shared with the world. It’s a bit of a lottery I suppose and today I haven’t picked a lucky number. Today I haven’t even scratched off all the numbers on the ticket actually, I can’t for whatever reason.
The beauty though, about writing, is in the parable that has just unfolded in the last 10 minutes of my keyboard battering.
I have found some solace in knowing that writing more and to professionalising my writing is hard and I am not finding it easy. Yes I have just launched my first book, which still delights me (when I remember I have written a book that is on sale), yet what I have found in this messy messy mess, is that I am struggling to write and I am finding it hard to take my writing to whatever it’s next level may be.
Now the great sigh of relief can come as I needed to say that. I am finding it hard to write and it’s OK. I want to write more, I know I love to write, I dream of writing more books, I dream of writing a fiction book, I dream of publishing poetry. Those thoughts makes me uncomfortable no end.
With that I leave you with my discomfort and I leave you with the inside of my writing journal.
Today it’s a wonderful mess.
Cheers,
James x
The last week's moon watching.
What I'm writing
Nothing new this week, but I have put all of my "Published Writing" for you here.
Follow this link and you'll see some my past issues of this newsletter. Thank you to Shaun for the nudge to do this, I need to look into changing providers or hosting them all somewhere.
What I'm reading
I'm reading Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.
My pocket read is A Very Short Introduction to Politics by Ken Minogue
My book - 'Mental Health at Work'
You can order my book 'Mental Health at Work' from Amazon, Bookshop.org, Foyles and Waterstones
You can listen to my book as an Audio Book too! Here it is on Audble.
Personal Website with writing and other bits -
https://jamesroutledge.co/
Sanctus OnlIne Gym with daily journaling classes - https://sanctus.community/welcome
Sanctus website with more about Coaching in the workplace -
https://sanctus.io/
Who am I?
I'm the Founder of a Mental Health mission called Sanctus and I'm the Author of a Book; "Mental Health at Work" that's published by Penguin.
I write this newsletter about mental health, startups and my life, my journey and 8,000 people like it enough to still be here. I try to respond to everyone who emails me, it just takes me a while.