#173: Stepping into the unknown
The mornings are darker and the days are shorter.
We’re entering winter and the darkness it brings.
This time last year I was approaching leaving my CEO role in Sanctus and I was in a weird weird period.
I took three weeks off after I stepped down and didn’t go anywhere.
I avoided writing my book, I walked around Bishops Park and walked up and down the River Thames.
I kept listening to Freya Ridings - Lost Without You on repeat (so good).
I grieved Sanctus, I felt like I was breaking up with the business.
About a year on and it’s a similar time of the year and after a wildly uncertain and profound last 18 months, I enter the same darkness asking lots of big questions.
I heard something the other day that 40% of people are asking themselves existential questions about their life. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? Where do I find purpose?
Aren’t 100% of people asking themselves these questions all of the time? Anyway, I can believe that many people are asking these questions right now after a long time to reflect and lots of solitude.
I’m asking similar questions. Am I writer? Am I an entrepreneur? What will I do now with less of an operational role in Sanctus? What life do I want? Where would.I like to live? Where do I belong?
Lots of big questions that if I let myself think about too much scare me. They feel so big to grapple with that they kind of sit on top of me and I can’t get up, they weigh down on me.
When I don’t think about them and listen to what I feel like I am interested in right now, things feel easier. I just follow my body, I want to write something , OK, write something. I want to check in with someone from Sanctus, OK, do that.
I find it very hard to be in the present moment with such uncertainty in my life. I feel reminded of times where I’ve been very unsettled and very scared, I very much avoid uncertainty where I can.
Whilst I crave it too, because I crave the unknown and I crave what’s on the other side of the unknown.
Winter is the perfect seasonal metaphor for stepping out into the unknown. The trees shed their leaves, very little grows, it's dark and it’s cold.
There’s a natural sense of darkness and the unknown in winter, which is very timely for me. I step into winter and I step into my own inner winter too, my own darkness, my own void, of “what’s next?”
I don’t know.
This is a sentence I’m getting more used to saying when people ask me what I;’m going to do next with my life post book launch and with a more relaxed role with Sanctus. I don’t know. It feels scary and liberating too.
My sense is many people are entering periods of change, uncertainty and darkness. I write this for me and for you too.
I’m focusing on me. On writing, walking, rowing, friends, family. I’m focusing on my health. From here, I trust life will unfold in front of me and I’ll organically follow what I feel drawn to.
The darkness is scary, the winding paths are scary, yet I know I have to follow them.
This poem by John O’Donuhue sums everything up for me right now. I could have not bothered writing and just posted this poem. It's exceptional.
I’m stepping out into a void, you might be too. We're not alone.
Cheers,
James x
My two favourite photos on my phone right now. Moon in the day. A nice tree in the park.
What I'm up to
I'm reading On Writing; A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King. Absolutely incredible so far, a must read for any creator.
I'm moving back to Stoke from Nov 1st, more on that later!
I'm putting on an event in Stoke to launch my book and bring some creative people together, if you're in Stoke or Staffordshore - message me.
I did this interview with SL Man on my book, I really like it.
I wrote this article introducing my book on Book of Man.
Oh I also reviewed my book, that was a good thing to do.
My book
You can order my book 'Mental Health at Work' from Amazon, Bookshop.org, Foyles and Waterstones
Personal Website with writing and other bits -
https://jamesroutledge.co/
Sanctus OnlIne Gym with daily journaling classes - https://sanctus.community/welcome
Sanctus website with more about Coaching in the workplace -
https://sanctus.io/